Don't Be a Fucking Dick

My golden rule for life is best summed up by Wil Wheaton: Don't Be A Dick.

I think this especially applies in sports. You can be a fan without being a dick to the other team's players or fans. You can "hate" then without actually HATING them.

But I guess this guy never got the memo. Williams from Blades of Teal wrote an unoriginal, uninspired, mean-spirited, unintelligent "eulogy" for the LA Kings. In addition to being poorly written and full of questionable observations, he is also just a fucking dick.

There are 100 ways you could criticize the LA Kings. He doesn't criticize their power play that was nauseatingly ineffective all season leading up to the playoffs. He barely mentions Penner's glacial pace, nor the fact that Penner basically escorted Setoguchi to the goal for the OT win in Game 3 (FUCK I HATE THAT GAME). No reference to Moller's absence after a good performance in Game 2. No mention of Greene's stupid penalties. He criticizes Doughty for his beard and slashes instead of his ridiculous turnovers. (His BEARD? Really?)

Instead, he takes mean-spirited shots at certain Kings. For example:

Speaking of ineffective hacks, we remember you Jonathan Quick. Notso Quick, you did turn in a couple of beauties against the Sharks at the Tank, notably a shutout victory in Game 2 and a one goal against effort in Game 5—stopping a total of 86 shots over in those two games. But what about Games 3 and 4 and the 12 goals against?

Seriously, Notso, at what point did modeling your game after Dan Cloutier seem like a good idea? I mean, did Cloutier have something on you? Did that fir-trapping sieve blackmail you into letting him wear your gear and impersonate you on the ice? Did he lock you in Lamar Odom's locker?

Notso, you were the FUTURE OF AMERICAN GOALTENDING!…oh wait, that's still Ryan Miller. Nevermind.

Are you fucking kidding me? You're criticizing Jonathan Quick? He was basically the Kings' savior. If anything, criticize the defense that collapsed on him during Games 3 and 4. He is human, he can only do so much. Even my friends who are Sharks fans (and who, by the way, are 20000% classier than this asshole and could easily have written a better eulogy) sing Quick's praises.

He also went after Handzus, who PLAYED HIS ASS OFF, especially in Game 6.

We remember you Michal Handzus(notes), mostly because every time we saw you on the ice we were trying to figure out when Scott Hartnell had been traded to the Kings, how we missed that story and when he started to suck.

In all fairness, when life gives you lemons…or clown-like Chaka Khan hair, you make hair lemonade. You made hair lemonade Michal, you truly did.

You're a fucking idiot. Yeah, his flowing mane of hair is out of control. You probably focus on that because there's not much else you can say using specifics about Handzus' performance.

But this was the part that truly drew my ire.

To Anze Kopitar, thank you for sitting in the Pierre Maguire seats at Staples and playing Angry Birds on your phone all game…and, for breaking your ankle earlier too…that one was clutch. It must have been really nice for some of your Kings teammates, covered in their own blood and sweat, to glance over at you grinning and giggling like a pre-teen who discovered that Joe Jonas just retweeted her.

Really? Thanks for breaking your ankle? COULD YOU BE MORE OF A FUCKING ASSHOLE? Putting aside tragedies involving actual deaths, that was probably the single most devastating moment of his life. This year was supposed to be our year to make a serious run for the Cup, and when Kopitar went down, it wasn't just devastating for the team or the fans. It was personally devastating for a player that always gave 100%. Don't glory in that, you asshole. Don't talk about it with glee. Even Kings fans hoped that Ian White was ok after Stoll hit him. If (heaven forbid) one of your players gets injured, YOU are the reason why.

Luckily, one of the Kings blogs has done an excellent rebuttal (far better and more specific than mine). As Quisp correctly says, Williams most definitely took the low road. And I think that, as sports fans, we are all a little worse off for it.

These last few days have been tough. Luckily- and I know this is weird- my friends from home (yes, the Sharks fans) have really helped lessen the pain. And they have allowed me, in turn, to take the high road and genuinely want to support their team through the rest of the playoffs. They respected the players, and they respected the game, and at the end of the day, it's hard to hate such great people just because they root for a different team.

So, Sharks fans, I won't judge you by the words of Williams or the words of Mark Purdy. Instead I will wish your team the very best. Good luck in Round 2. I'll be watching.

Never. (Hockey Videos: Part 1)

Three or four times each week, I make it a point to end my day by watching hockey videos. Sometimes it's for specific players, sometimes specific teams, sometimes specific playoff series.

Tonight I wanted to end my night with something special.



I must have watched this clip 25 times in the past few months. I don't know if this is the only time that a Captain has ever handed the Cup to someone else to take the first lap, but I do know that I find it very moving. I hate that he had to leave the Bruins to win the Cup. But I'm glad he finally got to hoist it.

I used to end my nights watching those "History Will Be Made" commercials- or, as I call them now, those stupid fucking "History Will Be Made" commercials. I loved those commercials up until the Kings got eliminated. Now I understand why my friend, a longtime Kings fan, does not like those commercials at all. It's just painful to watch if your team has never won a Stanley Cup. (I also understand now why my husband absolutely cannot stand to watch footage of Rob Scuderi in Game 6 of the 2009 Stanley Cup finals- too painful).

...which brings me to the title of this post. I have watched dozens if not hundreds of videos over the last few months. And I plan to watch thousands more over my lifetime.

But the two videos that I will never, ever, EVER watch (and they popped up the youtube sidebar just now) are the History Will Be Made commercials for Games 3 and 6 of the Kings/Sharks series that just ended. Just thinking about it makes me physically ill. Ugh. I hate myself for even mentioning them, because now I'm thinking about them, and now YOU'RE thinking about them, and I never want to think about those games again.

I can move on, I can support the Sharks in the future rounds, but I will never, ever watch those commercials. It just hurts too much. Never.

Game 7s

My high school classmates voted me most likely to have a heart attack before the age of 30.

I turn 30 in 2 months. (Fuck! I'm too young to die!)

Did my classmates know that I'd develop a love of hockey that would cause my blood pressure to spike during playoffs? And that I'd become so excited that I'd nearly pass out from excitement, and so depressed that I'd stop eating for entire days?

I really, really wish that the Kings/Sharks had gone into Game 7 tonight. But I am also pretty sure that if that happened, the predictions of my high school classmates would have come true.

I know this because the Game 7s of the quarterfinals nearly killed me, and my team wasn't even playing. I watched the last few minutes of the Canucks/Hawks game and got lightheaded even though I was split on who to support. I listened to the last half of the Bruins/Canadiens game tonight and absolutely could not focus on anything else (even though I could not care less about either team, and decided to root for the Bruins only because Chara reminds me of Charo). And the last 10 minutes of the Penguins/Lightening game nearly did me in just now because I was rooting for the Penguins (due to my buddy Ray, a HUGE Pens fan, who has supported and fostered my newfound love of hockey). I even yelled "FUUUCK" a few times.

So either I am not cut out to be a hockey fan, or I am absolutely 100% cut out to be a hockey fan, and will just need to learn to cope with high blood pressure when April comes around.

Ray, I'm sorry about the Pens. Next year, dude. We'll both be back next year.

A House Divided.

So the Canucks won last night, which means the Sharks will face the Red Wings in the next round.

As an aside, even though I've been rooting for the Hawks the entire series, I am fine with what happened last night because the Canucks had a magnificent season and I don't mind seeing them advance. (Though, they were pushed to the brink of elimination by a team that barely made the playoffs, so I'm not saying the Canucks necessarily "deserved" to advance just because of their performance leading up to the playoffs.) I don't love the Sedins (especially after that game against the Kings where one of them pushed a defenseman onto Quick and then scored), but I like that they can make fun of themselves. Also, my sister and her husband moved to Vancouver last year and I really, REALLY want them to get into hockey, so I figure that the longer Vancouver lasts in the playoffs, the more likely they are to actually get into the Canucks. But it did make me sad to see the Hawks eliminated.

But I have bigger problems. After the Kings, the Sharks and the Red Wings are the teams that cause me the most emotional turmoil. I both love and hate those teams. I'm going to need to break this down list-style so that my husband and BJ can see where I'm coming from, because I'm facing pressure from both of them to support their respective teams.

SHARKS

Why I can support them:

(1) Up until about a week ago, they were my second favorite team (a distant second, but second nonetheless).

(2) They are from my hometown - a place I absolutely adored and am proud to hail from.

(3) I love my friends who are Sharks fans, who have been nothing but classy this entire time. So deep down, though it pains me to say, if we can't have the Cup, I hope that they can.

Why I can't support them:

(1) They fucking eliminated the Kings.

(2) They fucking eliminated the Kings.

(3) They fucking eliminated the Kings.

RED WINGS

Why I can support them:

(1) They are playing the Sharks, the team that fucking eliminated the Kings.

(2) My husband is a huuuge Red Wings fan and he supported the Kings during Round 1, so I owe him for Round 2.

Why I can't support them:

(1) They are a bandwagon team! I hate bandwagon teams. Most of their supporters have never even BEEN to Detroit! I bet they can't even find it on a map. They just like winning. They are the epitome of fair-weather fans.*

(2) I've never been to Detroit, and have no interest in going, so why would I support a Detroit team? That seems weird to me. Clearly, geographic loyalty goes far with me.

*this does not apply to my husband, who keeps telling me why he likes the Wings, but honestly I just cannot absorb the information. Something about how when he moved to this country, he really looked up the Russian 5. He'll have to explain fully.

And so, I am internally divided, and I am living in a house divided. Maybe I will be like Switzerland during this series. If those two teams weren't playing each other, I could support them each individually. Because I want to support my friends from home. And I want to support my husband.

But most of all, I just wanted the Kings to advance. And no matter what, I will never support another team more than I support them. Sigh. I miss them already.

Kings Fan For Life

Right now I'm just trying to sort through my emotions. As I will attempt to explain below, I'm feeling a lot different things.

PROUD.

I am so proud of the LA Kings. They had a great season. They overcame tremendous obstacles to make it this far in the playoffs and I truly believe that if a few things had gone differently, we'd be into Game 7 and maybe even into Round 2. I am honestly humbled and moved by the effort that they put into this season and this series. It was my privilege to watch. I could not be prouder of each and every one of them. And proud to be a Kings fan. And right now I know, more than ever, I will be a Kings fan for life.

TOUCHED.

As you obviously know if you read this blog, I grew up in the Bay Area. Some of my longtime friends are huge Sharks fans. And thankfully, they have been absolutely nothing but classy this entire series. Right after the game ended, my friend BJ - who lives and breathes for the Sharks - posted this on my facebook:

Best possible game.... WOW!!! Your Kings are a GREAT team.... GREAT!!!! Jonathan Quick is fucking AMAZING!!!!! This one was anyone's game!!!! Damn, such a great series.... Be proud of your boys!!!! Really!!!! I really do hope you're ok, love you girl... You are a great supporter of an awesome team.

I honestly had not shed a single tear until I read that post from him. I love the Kings. I just LOVE them. And BJ knows that. He was not alone. A bunch of Sharks fans have passed along their genuine condolences.

The Sharks fans at the game tonight were also very respectful. After Game 4 there were a few fans that I thought were pretty disrespectful, but that was not the case tonight. At one point a Kings fan in our section was walking by a Sharks fan and his LA Kings hat fell off, and the Sharks fan scooped it off the ground, ran all the way up the stairs, and handed it to him with a grin. After the game, a few Sharks fan took pictures by the ice, but there was really no chanting, and the Sharks fans exchanged sheepish smiles as people left the area.

It just goes to show, you can root for your team without being a total dick. I love that about sports.

It was also really nice to hear the crowd cheering one last time for the Kings as they left the ice. The players didn't stick around or salute the crowd, and we couldn't get an organized "Go Kings Go" cheer going, but the crowd did stand for them and cheer loudly during the handshake. I was most definitely on my feet. It was the least I could do to thank them for a great effort.

CONFUSED?
Third, and most unfortunately, I am a little confused.

One of the most moving parts of any playoff series is the end-series handshake. I absolutely love watching the players shrug off any residual animosity and display good sportsmanship. It gives me hope that, deep down, disagreements between men (in hockey and the real world) are fleeting and can be resolved by looking each other in the eyes, gripping hands, and showing respect. In other words, I am a firm believer that you should ALWAYS shake hands, unless someone did something extremely egregious (see: Sean Avery and Martin Brodeur). Shit, even the Red Wings shook hands with Lemieux after his devastating hit on Draper. They weren't happy, but they did it anyway.

So tonight, I sat my ass in my seat and watched every last moment of the handshake. I saw the Sharks coach come out onto the ice and shake hands with the Kings players. But apparently, Terry Murray did not to do the same.

I am new to hockey and 15 minutes of internet research did not tell me definitively whether coaches always participate in the handshake, but a few of the Sharks players apparently expected him to be there and subsequently expressed their disappointment in interviews and on twitter, saying it was a "first" that a coach didn't come out to shake hands.

If coaches don't ever participate in the handshake, then the Sharks should stop complaining.

But if coaches DO typically participate in the handshakes, then I am really fucking embarrassed by Terry Murray. This is nothing new; I have a love-hate relationship with him, mostly because he is basically a robot whose programming includes an unwavering belief in Dustin Penner and an inexplicable disdain for Oscar Moller. So for such an stone-faced man to refuse to walk out onto the ice and shake hands is confusing to me, especially because I don't think the Sharks did anything particularly egregious that would warrant such behavior.

As a result, I somewhat disagree with Kings fans who are saying that Terry Murray doesn't have to be classy because the Sharks should be pleased with a win, and not ask for a handshake. I really don't think that's the point here. Obviously the Sharks are pleased with a win. But class is not just doing the "right" thing when you're winning, it's also doing the right thing when you've already lost. I'm not going to defend Murray's behavior just because he is the Kings coach. If anything my devotion to the Kings allows me to be extra critical of his behavior because I am entrusting him to represent LA to the rest of the hockey world.

Of course all of this is beside the point if it turns out that coaches don't usually participate in the handshake. Hence my general confusion. People who know more about hockey, educate me.

WHAT IF....(in honor of those pesky Stanley Cup commercials)

What if Kopitar had never been injured? Or Williams? What if they'd called up Schenn? Zeiler? What if we'd never gotten Penner? What if Moller played more? What if Poni hadn't been benched? Would Harrold have made a difference? What if there was less Westgarth? More Westgarth? More Parse? No Parse in the playoffs at all?

We'll never know.

I'll post some pictures (I got some good ones during warm-ups) and do more of a recap at some point later this week. For now, I'm going to try and get back to my normal life, which was been totally disrupted with being sick, loads of dance, and lots of playoffs. My posts will definitely be less frequent but I have a list of topics to discuss during the off-season, so I'll work my way through those.

Thanks for reading. GO KINGS GO!

My Promises.

Tonight I promise that no matter what happens, I will not leave the game early (unless I am forcibly ejected for violent or profane behavior). I don't care what happens. My ass is glued to my seat until the very end.

If we win, I will not rub it in the face of my friends who are Sharks fans.

If we lose, I will sit there and watch every last handshake. I will watch the players raise their sticks to salute the fans. I will lead the very last GO KINGS GO cheer so that the players know that we love them.

I will always love the LA Kings.

I promise.

Where Is My Teal Sweater?

Waves at Deep Inside the Kings posted a great strategy for getting a Kings win tonight.

If I thought this would work, I would cover myself in teal right now. Thanks, Waves. I love your blog.

(Speaking of teal, my husband and I will be at the game. We'll be holding signs that say "Greene is better than Teal" and "Brown is better than Teal." I wanted to make R-rated signs about J. Quick but got vetoed.)

An Interesting Observation

I've seen a few articles and comments calling the Kings/Sharks series the "California Civil War" because it's north against south.

I'm pretty experienced with the north/south rivalry, having grown up in the Bay Area and then moved to San Diego and eventually Los Angeles. I've retained some of my NorCal roots (I still say "hella"), but like a good Southern California dweller I started saying "the" in front of freeway names (NorCalies say "take 101" whereas SoCalies say "take THE 101").

Today on LA Kings Insider, the north/south rivalry came up.

One very astute commenter said:

ValleyKingsFan Reply:
April 24th, 2011 at 4:26 pm

@Subby, Well the whole California rivalry dynamic in general is that NorCal people hate SoCal people while SoCal people are chill and completely fine with NorCal people.

I couldn't have put it better myself. I don't hate NorCal folks because they are from NorCal. I don't make assumptions about what NorCal people like, wear, eat, or enjoy. It's a diverse place and if you like the Sharks, good for you.

The only time I HATE NorCal people is when they make asinine, superficial judgments about SoCal (Mark Purdy, I'm looking at you, asshat). I don't understand what they (and by "they" I am referring to the NorCal people who hate SoCal, and not to all NorCal people generally, because I don't have any judgments about NorCal people generally) have against nice wide beaches, regularly warm weather, and tons of fun stuff to do. Are they jealous? Is that why they turn their noses up at LA when the judgiest ones have barely driven through it? Yes, some places in LA are insufferable (Rodeo Drive, but that's because of the tourists, not the locals). But the same goes for Northern California (and pretty much every place in the world). If you want to actually come down and hang out in LA long enough to see what it is actually like to live here, then do it. But until you do that, shut the hell up about my city.

Relief.

I made it through half of one dance performance before I checked the score. I also left the backstage area during every break (BAD DANCER) to check it.

I was extremely relieved and happy to hear that they won - and, based on the recaps I've read, that Quick was a beast out there.

The pictures from last night's game were pretty good. Awesome, in fact.

Our savior.

My knees hurt just looking at this.

Would it be wrong to make this a poster and put it on my wall?
And kiss it every night?

Worst picture of Kyle Clifford ever. And this is when he is HAPPY.

I love the look on Handzus' face. Don't worry dude, Quick's on it.

Moments later...is that allowed, #16? Bad.

Is his ankle supposed to do that?

Not a great picture of Dustin Brown.




Oh Drew. [extremely dirty joke redacted. kids could read this.]

This is why I love Scuderi. Completely focused. Cool, calm, and collected.
And his beard is not creepy.

The boys celebrate.
Sadly, I could not find a picture of Doughty giving Quick the customary kiss.
Note that Scuderi, all business, is already looking ahead to Game 6.

Speaking of Game 6, we will be there tomorrow night. I'm thankful for the chance to cheer for them one more time. I'm trying not to hope for too much beyond that, but somewhere deep within me, I BELIEVE.

Despair.

I am not normally an angry person.

In fact, I like to think that I am a pretty nice person who genuinely wants everyone to be as happy as possible. But this has been a very tough week for my moral compass.

Being a hockey fan is fun. But right now, being an LA Kings fan is just painful. That doesn't mean I'm walking away. Unless the team goes all Philadelphia Eagles on us (and welcomes a total piece of shit like Michael Vick with open arms), I will always love the LA Kings. Always.

But, today I just can't write any more about how much I love them. Because I am broken down, dejected, neglected, depressed, despondent, and most of all, full of despair. When the clock was ticking down last night and Kings "fans" started walking out (so that you could actually hear Sharks fans cheering because Kings fans couldn't cover the din), I pretty much hit an all-time low.

I thought, "This could be the last 3 minutes of the season that I get to sit in these seats, watching the Kings play. If they get eliminated on Saturday, they won't even get to hear the crowd cheer 'Go Kings Go' for them one more time, like the Coyotes did." (By the way, that was also heartbreaking- to hear the Phoenix home crowd cheering their team after the buzzer sounded, for what is literally the last time ever.)

And so, in keeping with the theme of the day, I'm going to post pictures from www.despair.com. Usually I find these posters tongue-in-cheek funny, but today I just find them depressing.

Hey Kings defense, I made you a poster.

This is in Dustin Penner's gym locker.

He'd see it if he ever went to the fucking gym.

This one's for you, TM.

I hate you, San Jose Sharks.

Thanks for your sweet hockey kisses, Joe Thornton. Now I think you're kind of a dick.

I can't tell if those are vultures or sharks circling. Right now they kind of look like sharks.

And I thought Tuesday was bad.

As I was leaving the Staples Center last night, I realized that if the Kings get eliminated on Saturday, it will be in the middle of my second dance performance. I'm going to give my husband my phone so I can't check the score. I don't know if it's a good thing that I won't be watching it because it would just break my heart, or a bad thing because I am determined to watch every agonizing second, and not be like those "fans" that peaced out early.

So just don't lose on Saturday, boys. Come back to LA for Game 6. Please.

Please.

The Stakes Are High

My heart has healed enough to be excited for tonight's game. The interviews that the Kings players gave after yesterday's practice really pumped me up.

...as opposed to the interview that Dustin Brown gave after Tuesday's game, which I actually cannot bear to embed, because it was so heartbreaking. There were at least 3 times that I thought he might cry. One of the commenters saw the video and wrote something like "I'm a grown man and I know that tears of frustration are the hardest to hold back." Having watched the video several times, I do think that Dustin Brown said all the right things. He is a great captain and I'm proud that he is leading the LA Kings.

And with that, let us never speak of last night's game again.

Instead I will be mentally and emotionally preparing for tonight's game. If the Kings win, my healing process will probably be complete. If the Kings lose...I'm not even going to think about what that means for Saturday's game. Let's just say the stakes are high.

Maybe it's because they were celebrating 420.

Speaking of 420 and Dustin Brown, he linked to a funny article about 420 yesterday on his twitter. I don't know if he meant to, or if he just hit the "link" button while he was signed into twitter and reading the article, but let's just say that as much as I support the use of marijuana, the Kings should not be smoking anything this week. (Though, if they all took massive bong hits to celebrate during the first intermission of Tuesday's game, that COULD explain what happened.)

Good luck tonight boys. I'll be rooting for you, 100%.

Fuck You Mark Purdy: Part 2

Like a fool I read Mark Purdy's column today. I thought maybe he would acknowledge the Kings fans for being awesome. It would have been a classy move after last night's game.

But no. Instead, Purdy took another dig at the Kings franchise, and at the Kings fans.

As the Kings built their 4-0 lead, the Staples Center crowd definitely got into the vibe. These folks don't often see this stuff. Tuesday was just the Kings' fourth home playoff game since 2002. (For reference purposes, over the same nine-year period, the Sharks have had 39 playoff games at HP Pavilion).

The Staples noise didn't equal the ear-stabbing sounds of playoff games in, say, Calgary or Chicago. It was more Anaheim-esque or Colorado-esque ... loud enough to give the first period some jump. Although as it turned out, the Sharks were quite capable of stumbling over themselves with or without the crowd's help.

First, although the first paragraph is factually accurate, I feel it is an unnecessary dig, especially the part comparing the number of Sharks playoff games.

Second, the crowd was already into it before the game even started. The major cheering was when the puck dropped, and then again after the first goal. And it didn't stop until after the second goal. We don't need a 4-0 lead to cheer for our team, you asshole. The crowd was amazing and you make it seem like we were merely so-so in response to the goals; merely sufficient to give the first period "some jump." That was my religious experience, and you just shat all over it.

Do I come into your house and shit on the things that you love? No. SO GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Post-Mortem: Round 1, Game 3

In High Fidelity, the protagonist thinks back to his top 5 all time break-ups. The #1 breakup of all time was Alison Ashworth (or Ashmore if you prefer the movie version, which I don't).

Last night was the Alison Ashworth of my relationship with the LA Kings. I am pretty sure this heartbreak will last a lifetime.

Like most new relationships, it started off great. We'd barely settled down for the beginning of the game when the Kings scored once. The stadium ERUPTED. And then the Kings scored again, all in the first few minutes, and I felt like I was an audience member at Oprah's Favorite Things. "You get a goal! YOU get a goal! YOU get an assist!" I was just like the guy at 0:46 of the video below:



And then the Kings scored again, and the first period wasn't even over. The crowd went absolutely batshit insane. There was a "Go Kings Go" cheer that lasted forever and resonated perfectly with the frequency of the building. It was the closest thing to a religious experience that I've ever had. I honestly pinched myself. Could this be happening? Could I be witnessing history? Could the Kings be rising to the occasion before the best damned home crowd of the entire season?

And then through a fluke of timekeeping, during a series of rallying cheers and jeers at the Sharks goalie, the first period ended. That first period break was pure euphoria. Kings fans were grinning from ear to ear and stumbling around the halls of the Staples Center, dazed at their own good fortune.

And then the second period started. Richardson scored for the Kings and I actually thought that I might have died and gone to heaven. I had a moment where I thanked God, who I am usually not even sure exists, and closed my eyes just to soak it all in.

And then the Sharks began to come back. We traded goals. They scored on a power play. We traded goals again. The announcer could barely keep up. I could feel my happiness slipping away. And in the final 2 minutes of the second period, the Sharks scored twice to tie the game. I sat there in a daze as panic set in. "Holy shit," I thought. "We might fucking lose this game."

During the second period break, the atmosphere could charitably be described as grim. While waiting in line for the bathroom I mumbled "how did this happen?" A woman hugged me. "It's not over yet," she said. But her eyes were full of fear.

The third period was a stomach-churning, panic-inducing, prayer-filled twenty minutes that lasted a lifetime. I promised God that if the Kings won, I would become religious. The chants of "Go Kings Go" began to sound like pleas- the sold out crowd was begging the Kings not to let this one slip away.

The period ended with no change in the score. We filed out of our seats for the 15 minute break before overtime. I could not be in the seating area; I was too nervous to sit still. I saw groups of people praying, trying to fight off panic and fear. I could only imagine the pants-shitting that was happening in the Kings locker room. If the Kings won, all would be forgiven. If the Sharks won, they would have pulled off their very own Miracle on Manchester.

The thought made me sick. I thought for a brief terrifying second that I would throw up all of the Zebra Corn that I'd eaten. (I started eating it in the first period when the Kings were scoring regularly. During the second period I stopped for a few minutes and the Sharks scored. So I started eating it again, hoping it would make the Kings score. All I ended up with was a brick of Zebra Corn in my stomach.)

So we went into overtime- an overtime that Never Should Have Happened. And three minutes in, the Sharks scored.

And in that moment, my heart completely broke. I thought that I was definitely going to be sick. I felt violent. I felt angry. I felt betrayed. I felt like a girl who expected a marriage proposal, but instead got dumped over a nice restaurant dinner. As we filed out of the Staples Center, one Kings fan put it best: "FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!" he yelled, kicking and pounding on the doors. "FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!"

I went home and sat on my couch in a daze. I tried to make sense of the world.

The Good:
Kings fans more than proved Mark Purdy wrong. We were fucking awesome last night. The atmosphere was electric.

Individually, I thought that Brown played well- he had some great hits and a few amazing hustles. There was one particular shift in the second period where he was like a pinball- bouncing around and hitting 1, 2, 3 players before taking control of the puck. It was awesome.

Richardson and Lewis were also hustling out there. I really felt like they gave 110%. Scuderi was his usual consistent self.

The Bad:
HOW DO YOU BLOW A FOUR GOAL LEAD? IN THE PLAYOFFS?

Drew Doughty: Sometimes I think he is the most inconsistent player out there. In the last game he was so good. And in this game- pretty bad. When he screws up, he screws up BADLY. I feel like the team overestimates his consistency and so when he allows a turnover or misses a check, the rest of the team has to scramble to make up for it. I just felt like he was all over the place tonight.

Dustin Penner: Go back to Edmonton. Seriously. I don't want to see you during Game 4. Bring back Moller, who is 1/8 your size but gives 80 times more effort. Move your slow, out of shape, dull-eyed, slack-jawed ass out of our building. IT JUST LOOKS LIKE YOU DON'T CARE. At least Drew Doughty cares, you assclown. Yeah, you got an assist, but Moller could have made that assist with no problem. Shit, even Westgarth could have made that assist. I am sick of watching you meander around the ice. Half the time you aren't even watching the puck! Do you even know the meaning of the word "hustle?" You make me sick.

Let's make Game 4 a good one.

Please.

What. The. Fuck.

I can't post a real blog about the game tonight because I am way too sad, bitter, and angry with the LA Kings. Witnessing their collapse in person - in front of the best home crowd all season - was simply heartbreaking.

So instead, for now, I will simply post this picture, courtesy of Wil Wheaton.

I tried. But now I'm angry.

Like many attorneys, I grew up arguing. In fact, I am pretty sure that my first word was "no."

So it was an art for me to learn, in my early 20s, how to distance myself from an issue and take a logical position without becoming emotionally involved. And I have found, much to my surprise, that this legal training has served me well not just professionally, but personally.

For example, over the course of the past month, I have been able to have completely respectful conversations with fans from other teams about the sport of hockey. I sat behind a row of Ducks fans at the last game of the season and engaged in good-natured ribbing (that sounds dirty, but it isn't). I exchange posts with my friends who are Sharks fans before and during almost every single game. And I am proud to say that I can take it as much as I give it out (the mark of any mature sports fan, in my opinion).

And so, while hockey is not "just a game" to me because I love the Kings, I recognize that other people love their teams just as much, and I can root for the Kings without being a total dick. I don't need to personally insult the fans of other teams to support the Kings.

But now I'm angry. And it's all Mark Purdy's fault.

Mark Purdy is a columnist for the Mercury News, aka the San Jose Mercury News, also known as the best damned newspaper I grew up reading every single day. I absolutely adore that newspaper. But not today.

Mark Purdy wrote an article that was posted yesterday on the Mercury News webpage basically calling out Kings fans for being weak. He likened attending a home ice Kings game to a "Kenny G experience."

With all due respect, Mark Purdy (translation: no respect, because you suck), YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF. The last time that the Staples Center was quiet was when Kopitar broke his ankle, you fucking hack. Note that hundreds of fans remained in their seats after the last game of the season just to see the players give away their jerseys and catch a glimpse of Kopitar, who then received a standing ovation.

I also take umbrage with Purdy's characterization of the box seats as "hey-look-at-us-and-our-Cristal-champagne-glasses" that are "just perfect for a city of showoff glitterati." He then complains that the upper deck seats were pushed higher into the rafters. Again, he is wrong. NOTHING pisses me off more than people who assume that all Angelenos are superficial showoffs who want to be the center of attention. I moved to this town to work and study with some of the smartest, funniest, nicest, down to earth people I've EVER MET. Everyone says that law school is where you meet terrible people, but in LA, I met absolutely amazing people. I even met my lifetime partner here- he WORKS in Hollywood and there is not a pretentious bone in his body. Sure, at times LA can seem superficial. But like any big town, you need to work to find the people that YOU fit in with. And then once you do, you have a home forever. I can have a fulfilling life as an Angeleno without ever sipping Cristal or taking a tour of star homes. Also, those rafter seats- while vertigo inducing- are also $11 per seat per game for season ticket holders. In other words, the Staples Center offers cheaper seats than other arenas offer, which means that even the non-glitterati can afford to support their beloved Kings.

And let us not forget the St. Patrick's Day massacre, where the Kings fans sure as shit could be heard booing their team for a piss poor effort. Quiet, my ass. We love our team but quiet is one thing we are NOT.

Purdy finishes his article by saying that "at least the the Sharks' attention won't be diverted by an overwhelming din." How stupid are you to rile up opposing fans the day before the Kings return to LA for their first home game after a 4-0 upset of your beloved Sharks? The answer is: pretty fucking stupid.

Now, BJ, Jen, and Sean, I won't judge you Sharks fans by the dumb ass words of Mark Purdy. But I will enjoy it immensely when the Kings fans blow the roof off the Staples Center tonight welcoming home their beloved Kings.

GO KINGS GO!

More from the Green Men

The description of this on youtube says it all- the Green Men bring their A game.

Funny Pictures

I'm not great at math, but I do know that grown ass men + ice skates + fights + wildly enthusiastic fans = the potential for hilarious pictures.

From now on I will try to post the funniest picture I've seen all week. This week there have been a few good ones.

Runner-up #2: Drew Doughty and the green guys. There is video of this but the still picture is actually funnier.

Runner-up #1: from the Royal Half, which stated:

"Although Edmonton is the City of Champions, I thought it was a bit of a gutless move to unveil their brand new statue tonight, during the Los Angeles Kings first game since 2007 without Anze Kopitar."

And then there is the CLEAR winner.

There are a few pictures in my life that are guaranteed to cause instant out-loud laughter. One such picture (which I will post if I ever get permission, which will never happen) is of my friend Dina trying to force spam sushi (still wrapped in plastic) into the mouth of one of our friend Jeni while Jeni screams her head off in the middle of a gas station during our bar trip to Hawaii. And the second is this picture:

I found this picture when investigating the justifiable question of "who the fuck is John Zeiler?" Apparently, this picture is even more noteworthy because somehow Zeiler LOST this fight. Look at his FACE!!! Thanks, PCV. Good stuff.

Recap: Round 1, Game 2

I had to monitor Saturday's game using the ESPN and NHL apps on my phone. Normally this would make me crabby, but I got to spend the night doing what I love most- performing with my dance company. It went very well, considering that it was hot as balls, one of the dancers was coming off of the stomach flu, and one of the dancers got heat exhaustion 3/4 of the way through the night (true story). Next weekend we will probably ask them to turn up the air conditioning.

Hockey and dancing don't usually go together, but don't tell Fleury that.

As an aside, I get a special little kick when a goalie's name somehow relates to ice or hockey. Fleury reminds me of snow flurry. I like to imagine that he has superpowers and they involve building a wall of snow in front of his goal to stop all pucks (a snow flurry, get it)? Quick's name is awesome because he is quick. That one is easy.

Back to the actual topic of this post...Game 2.

I checked the score after our 7pm performance and honestly thought I was hallucinating. 3-0 Kings? Wha? Seeing that gave me the energy to douse myself with freezing water and go back in for another hour of dancing. And then when I checked the final score, halfway through our second performance (even though I promised myself I would not do that, because I had to go back in and do a "wistful" dance even though I could barely contain my euphoria), I was PUMPED. 4-0 bitches. FOUR TO ZERO.

Clearly since I did not watch the game, I can't do a recap. But I can link to another amazing recap from The Royal Half. It's hard to know which captions are the best, but I think that award goes to the Simmonds caption (they don't show the video, but he came back to the locker room well ahead of everyone else). Or the caption about the castle facade of the Kings locker room. Or the hobbit caption. Or evil Clifford. So many to choose from.

Also, the Royal Half's look-alikes are 100% better than mine. JMFJ = Biff or Barry Pepper? HILARIOUS.

Also, Heidi, enough of the San Jose tour. You know the real action is at the Great Mall of Milpitas. Check it out when you're back in the area for Game 5.

My husband and I will be at the Kings game this Tuesday. The cheers welcoming the Kings back after their blowout will be DEAFENING. I can't wait.

Another Good Recap (Link)

Since apparently I have devolved into simply linking to great recaps, check out this recap of last night's game, courtesy of the Royal Half (best t-shirts ever). The captions are fucking hilarious.

Round 1, Game 1 Recap

I'm too sick and lazy to do a comprehensive recap of last night's game. Plus I had to listen to the third period and overtime on the radio as I drove to dance rehearsal (which basically killed me and guaranteed another 3 days of this cold). So I don't think that I can speak with authority on anything that happened (and as a disclaimer, I kind of never think that I can speak with authority, since I only just got into hockey, so I'm never offended when someone disagrees with my newbie opinions).

My super quick thoughts on the game:

I was worried going into the game. I was worried that the Sharks would demolish the Kings. And when they scored 28 seconds in, I felt distraught. But then Brown fired back, and they traded goals, and I felt better. Our boys fought hard. And as my friend (and major Sharks fan) William pointed out, it could have gone either way. So overall I am relieved but obviously not thrilled that we ultimately lost.

Williams did well. Quick did well. Stoll did well (yeah, I know the hit was questionable; let's just see what happens at the disciplinary hearing...which should be happening as I type this). Brown did well.

Penner was crap. Doughty was crap.

For a far more comprehensive post on last night's game, head over to Purple Crushed Velvet where my law school buddy, a diehard LA Kings fan, has recorded his thoughts. Enjoy.

Come On, Someecards!

Someecards.com is one of my favorite websites.

I mean, where else can you find something like this?

The answer to that question is: www.despair.com, which has this:

ANYWAY, I checked someecards.com today with the goal of sending my secretary a snarky hockey-related e-card (her daughter is a Ducks fan). To my IMMENSE DESPAIR, out of the 181 sports related e-cards, only THREE were hockey-related.

I'd normally give it a 5 out of 10, but right now I give it a 1 out of 10, because it is playoff season, and I expected something better. Something great.

What a disappointment.

Go Kings Go!

Good luck tonight, Kings.

I'm a little bummed that the Kings are playing the Sharks in Round 1. (That being said, I am oh so thankful that we are not playing the Canucks right now...after all, we fell from 4th to 7th in the span of 1 week- and were almost 8th- so I know that beggars can't be choosers.) As I have previously confessed, due to my geographic upbringing, the Sharks are my second favorite team.

But playoffs are a whole new situation, so, even though normally I would not hope that the Sharks choke, for the next two weeks, I promise to absolutely, positively HATE THE SHARKS.

I also promise to do a Sharks roundup, hopefully at some point before this round of the playoffs ends. I've been sick, had too much work, and generally been too lazy to research much of anything recently. Sincere apologies to all four of my blog readers for the delay.

I just read that Moller is out but Westgarth is in tonight. I get that the Sharks will play a physical game so TM is going with the bigger and more physical player, but I generally don't think that Westgarth really brings a lot to the table. We have good enforcers already; we don't need someone whose sole ability is to throw punches (I don't think he chooses when to check effectively, he doesn't score, he's not usually on the ice with our best players so it's not like he is defending them). It pains me to say because I do like his fighting...but I like winning even more. If Game 1 doesn't go our way, take Westgarth out and put Moller in.

Just writing this has totally exhausted me. I need a nap.

Go Kings Go!

The Best Part of Saturday's game...

....was going with these guys.

Ah, the men in my life. I love these guys. I have been truly blessed with an amazing dad and an amazing husband.

Dad, thanks for coming up from OC and not wearing a Ducks jersey. Thanks for being your typical supportive self and putting up with me making you watch endless Stanley Cup commercials ("you'll LOVE this one! But THIS one will make you cry!") And every day (not just today)- thanks for being such a great Dad.

Ollie, thanks for introducing me to hockey. I give you lots of grief for being a Red Wings fan, so a special thank you for wearing your Kings jersey and not your Red Wings jersey. And a super thank you for helping out my family over the past year. Thanks for being such a great partner.

By the way, as I was writing this glowing and loving review of my husband, I experienced a "Classic Ollie" moment. I was watching an episode of Law & Order that I'd already seen a few times. It was a pretty good episode; straightforward enough for me to follow while blogging. And then Ollie came into the room. He said, "Watch out security guard, the felon is gonna stab you in the neck!" and then adjusted his toothbrush and said, "And then he's going to hole up in a preschool!" And then, after I told him that he might as well just re-enact the entire episode, he said "and then he kills one of the kids, and then that dad shoots the felon, and then HE is put on trial! It's a great twist!" Then he walked away, wiping his hands together and saying "My work here is done!"

In his defense, he was saying things that he thought I already knew. Which I guess is WAY LESS ANNOYING than what he USED to do, which was do the exact same thing for episodes that I'd never seen before.

The most egregious instance of this occurred during an episode of Battlestar Galactica - an episode that neither of us had ever seen before - when he said cavalierly, "that person is SO dead before the end of this episode." I was shocked. "What? Why would you think that! It's a brand-new character! She could be great! She helped the main character onto the ship; surely that was their way of introducing her." And surely enough, about ten minutes later, she died. I felt so betrayed. After all the years I spent watching Star Trek, my HUSBAND could spot a Red Shirt better than I?!? I guess that is what happens when you are with a writer.

In conclusion, I love these guys. Even if my husband is a Red Wings fan who uses his television writing skills for evil. Someday I'll convince him to do a guest blog post where he explains himself.

Be The Match

At last Saturday's game, the Kings set up a booth where people could go and submit cheek-swabs to determine whether anyone was a bone marrow match for Tanner Raboin, a 19 year old Kings fan with Chronic Granulomatous Disease. You can read Tanner's incredibly sad story here.

Unfortunately, Tanner died on Monday.

It is not too late to be a donor for the thousands of other people waiting to find a match. For more information, visit Be the Match Foundation. I signed up a few years ago and it involved a brief questionnaire and a self-administered cheek swab.

It is so easy. Please sign up today.

Last Game of the Regular Season- Ducks @ Kings

Last night Ollie and I took my dad to the last Kings game of the season.

This was a meaningful experience for me for several reasons. First, and most obviously, I got to go with my dad. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease 17 years ago, an experience that still rankles my sense of fairness. And yet, throughout the years of ever increasing challenges, he has never complained. Not once. This past year was particularly tough for my parents, who have proven themselves to be masters at adapting to challenging circumstances. So the fact that they could drive up from Orange County - and do something FUN - was a big deal. And being able to go to a hockey game with my Dad means more than I can probably ever explain.

Second, it was the first time that I have ever attended the last home game of a regular season. The crowd was great. We sat in the 100s with a bunch of people who knew both teams pretty well, so there was constant shit-talk directed at pretty much every player. Our seats were AWESOME. We could see and hear everything so clearly.

Watching warm-ups from our seats...



There was a family of Ducks fans right in front of us. After the first two goals, I was ready to start throwing punches, but the tension was immediately broken when the father turned around and said to us with genuine kindness, "well...you ARE missing your top two scorers." He shrugged apologetically. I had to smile.

In general it seemed like the fans got along pretty well. There were a LOT of Anaheim fans in the stands. So I think that both teams felt appreciated and had fun during the game. There was a funny moment where one of the Anaheim players (I think it was #39, Matt Belesky) went to the penalty box and immediately started stripping down as quickly as possible...to reveal an "I <3 LA" t-shirt (the heart was a Kings crown). The crowd went INSANE. I wonder if he lost a bet or something. There was also a great moment when they showed the Hero of the Game (who teared up when he was initially introduced). He used his screentime to lead a rallying cheer of "Go Kings Go!" Thanks for being awesome, dude.

We also got to see some great fights. I think that Westgarth's hand was still taped from the fight the previous night. And when he skated away, we could clearly see the ref pat him on the back and say "you won that one" (even though the public on hockeyfights.com thinks otherwise). Brookbank basically kicked the shit out of Clifford- never fun to see as a Kings fan, but they replayed it a few times and the crowd went wild every time either one of them landed a punch. The Selanne/Richardson fight was pretty good to- I mean, the guy is 40 years old! And we ALMOST got to see a goalie fight- the crowd was screaming for Quick to throw a punch but he (probably wisely) decided not to.

Also, it was Fan Appreciation Night, so there were a TON of give-aways. Bailey visited our area and gave out Zebra Corn but we didn't get any (sad face...though not too sad, since we'd already had some). They gave away a car, all sorts of signed stuff, VIP passes to future Kings games, and other things designed to make me green with jealousy. (There were a few weird things in there...like a desk chair and tanning sessions from the official airbrushing provider for the Ice Crew).

The most exciting giveaway was definitely the jerseys off the players' backs. After the game, they brought all the winners out onto the ice and then one by one, each player skated over to the person who won their jersey, took it off (mmm, Stoll stripping down), signed it, posed for pictures, and thanked the person for coming. Even the players that were injured or scratches gave away jerseys. Williams came out in a suit to give away his jersey and got a standing ovation. The second to last person won the Kopitar jersey but he couldn't come out onto the ice because of his crutches, so he hopped forward to the bench and the winner got to go over to him. The crowd stood for over a minute. He waved to everyone and had a sad little smile. I'll admit that I teared up a little.

In conclusion, even though the Ducks won, we still had a blast. Thanks for coming to the game, Dad. We'll have to do it again next season.

Bromance Part 2: Drew Doughty and JMFJ

This is cute.

I am pretty sure that Doughty asks "Should we kiss?"

I'll write more about this in a future post, but one of my favorite things about professional hockey is the level of comfort that the players have with each other. They are not afraid to engage in a good bromance right out in the open. I think that says a lot of good things about the sport and the players in general. I'm not saying they're gay (how would I know?)- I'm saying that they're not shy about engaging in behavior that ignorant homophobes would call "totally gay." And I dig that.

Bromance Part 1: "I'm his little Whitney Houston"

As soon as Penner was traded to the Kings, this video of an interview from when he and Matt Greene were both with Edmonton re-surfaced on the interwebs.

I love seeing Matt Greene in interviews. He is hilarious. And he clearly loves being part of a good bromance.

I even love seeing him NOT talk in interviews.

Congratulations, Kings!! Welcome to the Playoffs!

Last night the Kings clinched a spot in the playoffs.

As my husband will testify, I yelled so loudly that my dog stayed out of the living room for the rest of the night.

First things first- once we know who the Kings will play against, I'm going to do a playoff guide to the opposing team, like this one. It probably won't be as funny. And to keep it manageable, I'm going to write it in one go, in under two hours (that means 6 minutes to research and write about each player). It probably won't be totally accurate, because I'm planning to just make jokes about the things I find when I google the players' names. I might need a research buddy. You'll get publishing credit! (That's a thing that people do outrageous amounts of work for, right?)

Second- this video is now posted when you go to the LA Kings website. It was up about twenty minutes after they won the game last night. I absolutely love these commercials (except that I think it's kind of annoying that there is a "history will be made" commercial for like every single player and team) but fuck it, the Kings made the playoffs, so I'm posting this.

Third- I wanted to find pictures and videos that appropriately expressed my happiness over the Kings making the playoffs.

"I am as happy as the day is long." What a dumb saying. I need something better.

"I am as happy as these otters holding hands are ADORABLE."

"I am as happy as Bill Hader is hilarious in these clips" (especially the clip from 1:10 to 2:50, which is one of my favorite movie scenes ever).

Every once in awhile, my husband and I will say to each other, "We're not even BLOOD! I will EQUALIZE YOU, you DICK!"

In other words...I am happy.

Last Year's Playoff Guide to the LA Kings...written by a Canucks fan.

http://trevorpresiloski.com/2010/04/meet-the-kings-playoff-edition/

This is actually pretty funny. Not because I like reading shit-talk about the Kings, but because Peter Harrold's picture is....well, you'll see.

Anxiety.

I'm nervous about tonight's game. I'm going to lay my concerns out for you, legal-outline-style. No pictures in this entry; I'm too nervous for pictures.

I. HOME ICE

In my opinion, there are two main reasons why the home ice has not been particularly kind to the Kings lately.

A. Complacency

The Kings get complacent when they are at home. They are overly comfortable but not appropriately confident or fast. It's a weird combination that leads to them losing.

B. The Staples Center Ice Sucks

I think it is reasonably well-known that the ice at the Staples Center sucks. It's uneven and bumpy in weird places. (This was confirmed by Rob Scuderi when I had the outrageously good fortune to meet him. He mentioned twice that the Staples Center ice is crap.) How good can it be when they only focus on maintaining the ice 25% of the time at best, because they are constantly laying down floor for the Lakers and Clippers games and hosting concerts? I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist but I wonder if Kopitar would have twisted his ankle if the ice was better.

And boy, does the crowd give it to the Kings when they don't play well at home. I can still hear the crowd booing from the St. Patrick's Day game.

II. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN...including a small chance that we don't make the playoffs

The Coyotes have won three of this season's five games against the Kings. Not a particularly terrifying record, but it means that anything can happen tonight. I know that winning is never a sure thing for any team when the playoffs are this close but I feel like tonight is particularly uncertain. And if we don't win tonight, barring a total collapse by the Stars, we will need to win at least one game against the Ducks when we play them back to back this Friday and Saturday.

In my absolute worst nightmares, we lose the remaining three games, and the other games align to force us out of the playoffs. My husband and I are taking my dad to the last game of the season on Saturday, so if we lose tonight...and Friday...and Saturday...I am going to cry my little eyes out after witnessing our free-fall live from the Staples Center. The LAST thing I want to see in person at the end of the game on Saturday is Brownie skating out onto the ice and thanking the fans for their dedication and ending it with "see you next season." (And I can only imagine the booing that would occur.)

My conclusion:

If we don't make the playoffs this season, I am going to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. I know Kopitar and Williams are out but there is NO REASON that we should not make the playoffs.

Whew. Ok. Enough. Now I am getting all worked up by predicting worst-case scenarios. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go and pray for the next 4 days straight.

Look-alikes

I love playing the look-alike game.

It all started with one of my favorite websites: "Totally Looks Like".

A few favorites, so you can see how it's done (it's actually pretty self-explanatory, but I just wanted an excuse to post these).

I'd normally never post a picture of Nancy Grace (it's hard to decide whether I hate her or the Ducks more), but David Bowie makes up for it. I love Labyrinth (or as I like to call it, "here kids, have some acid!").

Josh Radnor's character in How I Met Your Mother is totally my type- slightly dorky, dark hair, hopeless romantic. If I was a character on the show I'm sure we'd live happily after ever.

And of course, the ever popular Harry Potter themed look-alike. I chose this one because it ties into my chosen profession.

Anyway, I've wanted to do this for some of the Kings players ever since I saw Drew Doughty- so here goes nothing.

If you haven't seen Fringe, I recommend it, and not just because the bowling alley dude bears a striking resemblance to Drew Doughty.

And now for the arguably handsomest King:

I'll work on more. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to google "Dustin Brown" and then "baby head" in order to find matching images.