Fleury vs. McDonald's

There were so many great moments in the Winter Classic HBO series.

By far, one of my favorites was watching Fleury in the pre-Winter Classic shootout. (Starts around 0:50 of the video).

By the time he said "I have quick legs! Unforgettable!" I was dying of laughter. Even if you're not a Pens fan, you have to admit, it is hilarious.

And it was even more hilarious when a few minutes later I remembered this commercial, also featuring a cocky goalie with a French accent.

I wish Fleury had yelled "Sensationale!" but I guess watching him yell "fuck face" is also pretty great. I kind of love him now.

Road to the Winter Classic

Ollie and I have been watching the HBO 24/7 series Road to the Winter Classic from a few months ago. In honor of Ray, a buddy from high school who is a big Pens fan, I decided to watch it. I've been seeing bits of it on youtube as part of my hockey video viewing evenings, but until this weekend I'd never watched beyond the first episode.

The good news is, I absolutely love it.

The bad news is, we're almost at the last episode so soon it will be over. And then what will I do? It has temporarily filled the huge gap left in my life by the elimination of the Kings. Sigh.

Things I have learned so far:

(1) I now understand why women love Sidney Crosby. I mean, wow. In addition to being a dynamite player, it's simply a joy to watch him talk about the game. He very clearly loves it. And as I have said on multiple occasions, very little can beat watching someone do what they love for a living. Plus he's easy on the eyes.

(2) What is up with Ovechkin being naked? It's like every time he has a scene alone, he's naked. Maybe that is normal for hockey players and I just notice it more with him because he's featured more heavily than other players. But man, why can't Crosby ever walk around like that?

We wrapped up last night with Episode 3, which was about the Pens/Caps game before the Winter Classic. I know the series paints the Caps as the underdogs, and I usually root for the underdogs, but I was rooting for the Pens all the way. Not just because Ray is a fan- because I honestly like them. I feel like they are super organized and they have great team-building and they don't fall to pieces when something goes wrong. Mustache Boy is a freaking genius idea. I'll need to find a way to implement that in my office with the summers or first year associates.

We're going to watch Episode 4 tonight. I can't wait.

Non-Hockey Things I Love (aka Getting To Know Your Blogger)

The off-season is tough. I have a list of hockey-related topics to go through but today I am taking a brief one-blog break to properly introduce myself.

You already know the story of how I fell in love with the LA Kings (Part 1) (Part 2). You also know that I cannot drink alcohol or coffee. And that I am an attorney. And that I love the American Civil War. And that I grew up in Milpitas.

That covers quite a bit. But here is a little more, to fill in the gaps.

I am 29. I live in Los Angeles with my husband and our brown dog, Star.

She has perfected the art of puppy-dog eyes.

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My husband introduced me to a world of amazing TV, including Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, and Being Human (the most underrated show on the TV right now). My number one favorite episode of television is, and always will be, Community: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (Part 1) (Part 2).

My husband also introduced me to video games. I still think he should write a book about how to get a girl to fall in love with video games, because whatever he did certainly worked. I went from someone who was extremely wary of violent video games to a girl who loves nothing more than to mow down zombies in Left 4 Dead (best game ever).

And finally, my absolute, number 1 favorite song (with a bullet)- Thunder Road, by Bruce Springsteen. I adore that man.

Here is my favorite version. The piano at the end gives me chills.

And that rounds out the non-hockey version of Things I Love.

Ugh, this post is so self-indulgent that I am actually tempted to not even post it, but I did spend like 20 minutes writing it, so up it goes.

Things That I Have Always Wondered (Part 1)

Since hockey is still relatively new to me, I have a lot of questions.

Today my co-worker, herself a former ice hockey goalie (I keep telling her she has to start playing again) explained the intricacies of hockey dress. I knew that players wear a combination of socks, padding, and shorts instead of pants, but I did NOT know that sometimes there are garters involved. She also explained how many buckles goalie pads have. She answered a lot of my questions.

But now I have a new question. When I watch videos of old fights, it seems like players would try to pull the opponent's jersey over his head and shoulders to partially immobilize and blind him, and then swing away while the person tried to either take the jersey off completely or claw his way out of the fabric. How come that doesn't happen anymore? When did that change?

(I know that it's an effective technique because one of my sharpest memories of 7th grade was when two girls got into a fight and one of them pulled the other's shirt over her head and started punching her. The shirtless girl immediately fled because she was wearing a training bra and it was super embarrassing.)

Before you say "just google it," I did. And I learned this from wikipedia:

Other examples include Gordie Howe's tactic of holding the sweater of his opponent right around the armpit of his preferred punching arm so as to impede his movement. Bob Probert, of the Detroit Red Wings and Chicago Blackhawks, was known to allow his opponents to punch until they showed signs of tiring, at which time he would take over and usually dominate the fight. Some consider long-time Buffalo Sabres enforcer Rob Ray to be the reason that hockey jerseys are now equipped with tie-down straps ("fight straps") that prevent their removal; he would always remove his jersey during fights so his opponents would have nothing to grab on to. This is commonly referred to as the "Rob Ray Rule".

I guess that makes sense- it's kind of hard to grab onto someone who strips down (another technique for surprising your opponent and gaining the upper hand).

But I just assumed that this practice stopped because the league is supposedly more serious about head injuries now, and when you have someone's jersey over his head, you can't tell exactly where you are punching him. You could be hitting him in the eye or in the back of the head. I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

Any insight is appreciated here.

As you can probably tell from this blog, I am a big asker of questions. For example, I always wondered was why the lasers in the Kings pre-show are green, and not purple. Green is so cheesy. I voiced this question one day and my scientist father said, "Because there are no purple lasers. They don't come in purple." Good to know. Glad I asked, Dad!

Accordingly, I will periodically post questions involving Things I Have Always Wondered. I would genuinely love to get some answers, especially from people with institutional knowledge about hockey, which I clearly lack.

Some of these Things I Have Always Wondered:

(1) Why do people call Sidney Crosby a cry-baby? I have yet to find a video of him actually crying. Is it just because he bitches sometimes, especially to referees? Doesn't everyone do that?

(2) Why are some things reviewable but other things are not? For example I recall someone saying that goalie interference is not reviewable. That seems weird to me. I feel like it should be reviewable if a goal is scored within 30 seconds of the alleged interference. (I'm obviously not over that Canucks/Kings game.) Is it because it would waste too much time?

Enough questions for tonight. Sleep tight, everyone.

I Love A Game With Lots Of Fights.

I'm still deflated from the elimination of the Kings. So instead of reading a long post from me, enjoy this video (from a long time ago) of a Philadelphia Flyers/Ottawa Senators game. According to this blog, all of the fighting resulted in 419 penalty minutes and 20 ejections. My advance apologies for the seriously obnoxious music.

Keep an eye out around 3:08 for a man with flowing hair who now plays for the LA Kings. Spoiler alert: he doesn't do so well.

Now What?

So it's going to be Sharks/Canucks and Bruins/Bolts in the Conference Finals.

Sigh. Fuck, I miss the LA Kings.

In the Western Conference, I'll be rooting for the Sharks. I felt a little nauseous watching them celebrate last night, but only because they eliminated the Kings and the pain is still fresh. But it's a no-brainer for me at this point. I grew up in Milpitas, I adore my friends who are Sharks fans, and I'm rooting for them to go all the way.

In the Eastern Conference, I'm rooting for the Bruins. My friend Ray is a huge Bruins fan (not to be confused with my other friend Ray who is a huge Pens fan) and I want him to be happy. Also, Chara. But most of all, the Bolts have stupid fucking lightening bolts on their shorts. For some reason, that annoys the shit out of me. I don't know why. It just does. Maybe because their uniforms look like children's pajamas and it's hard for me to take them seriously.

Mom and Dad, you should probably stop reading here.

In Kings-related news, I was trying to do a "look-alike" for Dustin Brown recently. I discovered that if you search for images of him on google, you WILL find a picture of him totally naked. And then if you click on the picture, you WILL discover it is from a video of a post-game interview years ago, when then-rookie Brown was changing behind the person being interviewed, and the cameraman accidentally captured Our Captain's Junk in the background. And by "junk" I mean EVERYTHING. I'm not going to link to it, because this is a family-friendly blog (hahahahaha I crack myself up), but seriously I don't want to get fired for turning off SafeSearch at work so you will have to find the video for yourself. As one of my friends said, now we know how they determine who is Captain. And if he ever looks sluggish, it is because of what he has to lug around.

My response to that is- well then what is Penner's excuse?! I'd love to see it. Literally.

Starving. Thirsty.

People at work keep asking me if I am still watching the playoffs. Of course I am.

Hockey has become like my food and water. I need it to survive. I can feel the drought and famine of the summer months looming and I don't like it one bit.

Watching other teams play is like drinking a glass of water- it'll stop the pangs of hunger for a few hours, but it's simply not enough to survive. Watching the Kings play is like eating a full meal. Watching them play like shit is like eating a meal and then puking it up. Game 3 (hereinafter known as "Game That Will Not Be Named") was like eating at a huge buffet and then getting violent food poisoning minutes later.

I'm already light-headed with thirst and hunger. I need something to occupy my time (a coke habit? a shopping addiction? frequent trips to Vegas?). I don't know how I am going to make it until HockeyFest in September.

Go Predators

Yesterday's Vancouver/Nashville game was great. Poor Alex Edler. That's got to hurt.

I have been ambivalent about this series in the past. I contemplated rooting for Vancouver because my sister and her husband live there, but they are not hockey fans, and they don't really care if Vancouver wins.

Then my wonderful dad sent me this article about the Predators. Assistant coach Brent Peterson has Parkinson's Disease, and will likely retire at the end of this season.

I love hockey and I don't even play it. So, I can only imagine how much Peterson loves hockey, and how personally difficult it will be for him to retire.

I've had 17 years to adjust to my dad's diagnosis with Parkinson's Disease, but I have to tell you, it just does not get any easier to accept. It is constantly at the forefront of my mind (as you can probably tell from the fact that even though this is a hockey blog, Parkinson's has come up twice in as many months in my posts). This week has been particularly tough because a very old friend just told me about a Parkinson's diagnosis in his family. Hearing that someone else - anyone else - has Parkinson's is like pouring bile into a gaping wound, because I know exactly what that means for the family. I know what dreadful things lay in store even under the best circumstances. All of the coping mechanisms that Peterson describes- the slip on shoes, the difficulty getting dressed, the ultimate decision to step away from something you love to do for a living- are all things that my father went through years ago. Fortunately, like my father, it sounds like Peterson is handling this with grace, humor, and as much optimism as possible.

Since this season will be Peterson's last as an assistant coach, this series has special meaning. At a minimum he has one game left, tomorrow night. If the Predators can force a game 7, that's another game that he gets to coach. And if they make it to the next round, he has at least 4 more after that.

At this stage in his professional career, at this stage in his life, I am sure that he is treasuring every minute left on the bench. I want him to have as many of those minutes as possible. GO PREDATORS.

Beards

Why do I love playoff beards so much?

The most obvious reason is: if your team is growing playoff beards, they made it to the playoffs.

The not-so-obvious reason is: because it reminds me of the American Civil War.

Allow me to explain. I love studying the American Civil War. In fact, if I had my druthers, I'd drop everything and move to Gettysburg to be a tour guide on the battlefield. I'd also have a candy shop there. Maybe someday.

My point is this: Civil War soldiers rocked some seriously awesome facial hair. Check out the lustrous beard on J.E.B. Stuart.

J.E.B. stands for "Just an Extraordinary Beard."

Can you imagine that on Dustin Brown?

So, Kings fans, if you are sad that the season is over and you want some beard action, click on this link to see the Smithsonian's poll on the best Civil War facial hair.

I've studied the Civil War for years now and I'm embarrassed to say that I only knew 5 of the guys listed in that poll. But don't worry, I have a much better record when it comes to naming the LA Kings.

91.6666666667%

After dinner my husband said to me, "I know you're not a puck bunny because you can probably name all of the Kings players."

And so I tried. I even named players that were on the roster in the past (or discussed as possibilities) just to be safe, though I'm sure I missed a few of those too.

Yes, even Bailey is on there.

I missed two.

Ahhh, infinite decimals.

I even broke the roster down by goalies, forwards, and defensemen. It was actually easier to do it that way- it helped me remember. I have no idea why I wrote out Dustin Brown's entire name. You can also see that I had a total brain fart and listed Doughty as a forward (I think sometimes he wants to be), then caught myself and moved him before I submitted my answers.

My mistakes:
I knew that I had too few defensemen. The last name I remembered was Lewis so I stuck him in the defense column. Well, I was wrong about that, and I completely forgot Martinez and Drewiske! Whoops.

All in all, an A-. Solid effort. I'm feeling pretty proud right now.

Now, off to rank them by hotness...

Kidding!

I Love People. Especially Hockey Fans.

I love to meet new people.

We moved a lot when I was a kid, so I became adept at striking up random conversations with people. In second grade I marched right up to Nancy Tran on the first day of school in a new town and said, "Hi, I don't know a single person here. Will you be my friend?" Fifteen years later, this scenario played out again when I accosted someone walking down a school hallway and said, "Hey- are you hapa? Me too!" Luckily both of those individuals were not completely terrified by my directness, and friendships were born.

Now that I'm getting into hockey, I have WAY more openings to talk to new people. Hockey fans seem to be few and far between in Los Angeles, so whenever I meet one, there's a certain immediate connection (or maybe it's just me).

Today when I was picking up our dog from daycare, I saw a car plastered with Anaheim Ducks stickers and immediately struck up a conversation with the guy who got out of the car. He was delighted to find another hockey fan. We talked the whole time they fetched our dogs. I even showed him Fake Dan Ellis. He was so excited. I left with a smile on my face.

That's just one more reason that I love being a hockey fan. There is ALWAYS something to talk about with other fans- even if they root for teams that I hate. (Wow, when I looked up the link to that I saw that I'd used "f***" instead of "fuck." I can't believe I used to censor myself. At what point did I stop? Probably around the playoffs.)

So thank you, LA Kings, for giving me another connection with people. Thank you for giving me a reason to high-five and hug complete strangers during jubilant celebrations at the Staples Center. As sappy as this sounds, being a hockey fan has enriched my life. And for that, I will always be thankful, and I will always love the LA Kings.

Puck Bunnies

Today I took a little journey over to Pensblog.

They posted an interesting Guide to Hockey Fans. I wish someone would post a similar guide involving teams from the Western Conference (I'd do it but I only know like 10% of the information that I'd need to do that subject justice).

One of the categories of hockey fans is the "Puck Bunny." According to PensBlog:

This fan is immediately identifiable by her pink shirt or jersey.

She will almost always a sign calling out to her favorite player.
Her signs will likely feature glitter. So will her eyes.
Penguins puck bunnies know precisely five players on the team: Crosby, Malkin, Staal, Letang and Fleury. They will always rank them according to relative dreaminess.
During pre-game warmups, they rush down to the glass, convinced that Jordan Staal will be plowing their sod that night if only they can make eye contact.

That's actually a pretty clever sign.

Please do not make the mistake that all female hockey fans are puck bunnies.

Doing so will probably get you kicked in the balls.

How to identify this fan:

If she emits a piercing shriek that leaves your ears bleeding every time the PA guy says "Sidney Crosby", you're sitting next to a Puck Bunny.

-------------------------------

Puck bunnies seem like the type of girls that I would hate. But when I first read that description...I had to wonder...am I a fucking puck bunny?

I do NOT (and never will) have a pink jersey. That shit is disgusting. But I would be open to a jersey cut for females, because I'm a 29 year old female who looks like a 12 year old boy when I put on the only jersey that fits me- a Child's L/XL.

I have only ever gone down for warmups once, and that was also the only time I ever made signs.

But, the signs were pretty puck-bunny-esque.

Exhibit A: My sign for Jonathan Quick.

Yes, it says that I [heart] a "Quickie."

In my defense, Quick is fucking AWESOME. But to be completely honest, I did secretly hope that he would see the sign and get a little kick out of it.

...of course, a few days after the game I realized that he is MARRIED and has a KID. So now I feel like a perv for creeping on him. No wonder Handzus looked so disapproving.

"Quick is married, no?"

(It's worth clicking on this picture to zoom in.)

Westgarth liked the signs. It took Clifford a few passes, then he just stopped and stared for a second.

He probably needs to squint in order to read the signs because of his permanent black eyes. What a man.

And I have been known to swoon over some of the hotter players. Like this dude. Could he be any hotter? No. No he could not.

Hint: I'm not talking about Santa.
All I want for Christmas is Rob Scuderi.

And this guy. Beneath that goalie mask is...apparently, a smoking hot Jon Bernier.

Yeah, I definitely have a thing for goalies. All that equipment.

You know what? Maybe I am a puck bunny.

But on the other hand, I really do love the game. And my affection for the players is not based proportionately on their hotness. And I'm not doing this for my husband- in fact, I'm pretty sure he sometimes regrets bringing me to that Bruins/Kings game.

At the end of the day, I'm a genuine hockey fan. Although, in the future, I might tone down my signage.

My Heart Twinges for the Red Wings

When you really love someone, their pain is your pain.

I think I first truly understood this when my husband got food poisoning 2 weeks after we started dating. He proceeded to come over to my apartment and blow up my bathroom. I honestly thought small animals were dying in there. But instead of being completely disgusted (I was only slightly disgusted), I took care of him. And about 5 hours into it, right around the time that I thought I might need to take him to the ER (and he thought that our budding relationship was completely over because he was so disgusting), I wiped the sweat from his face and thought "gosh, I wish I could just be sick instead of him, so that he doesn't have to be sick anymore." That is really saying something, because vomit is my absolute #1 fear. Sad but true. If there is a way to prevent myself from throwing up, I'll do it, unless it involves jumping off of something high, my #2 fear, in which case I'll be looking for a cyanide pill.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with hockey.

I'm writing this for my husband, because I'm still at work and he is at home (also working). I just listened to the end of the Sharks/Wings game and heard Setoguchi score the winning goal. And I felt my heart twinge a little- not because I'm supporting the Wings, by any means. As I've reiterated repeatedly, I'm neutral for this series.

But I can only imagine the pain that Wings fans must be feeling. First, it was the first game of the series at the Joe Louis Arena. Second, now the Wings are down 3-0 and face elimination on Friday. Third, that OT goal made it a hat trick for Setoguchi, which is just pouring salt in the wound. Fourth, a loss in OT...as I know from experience with my beloved Kings, it FUCKING SUCKS because you're SO CLOSE to winning. Fifth, the Wings are supposed to be better than this- they advanced to Round 2 in just 4 games. Sixth, I hate to see any team get swept.

My natural empathy (that wonderful, abnormally strong feeling that causes me to do things like cry during Purina commercials, Glee, and "Its Gets Better" videos) makes me feel so badly for Wings fans. I have to admit, it's getting harder to be neutral. So for the next game - and the next game only - I will be rooting for the Wings.

Other Teams (updated)

When I started this blog, I kind of assumed that I'd just write about the Kings. But even though the Kings are out of the playoffs, I'm still thirsty for hockey. So right now seems like an excellent time to learn about other teams, especially teams that are still playing. UPDATE: Just realized that this explanation makes no sense because the team I chose got eliminated, but I had to start with them because my buddy Ray is a big fan. It made sense when I wrote it at 2:00 am.

With that in mind, tonight I expanded my pre-bedtime ritual to learn about the Penguins.

My ritual basically includes watching one hockey video (usually something I came across that week but didn't get a chance to watch), and then just clicking through the suggestions that pop up on youtube. My informal practice is to keep watching until I get to a video that is stupid or crappy or falsely described. Sometimes it only takes 10 minutes; sometimes I can go an hour or longer.

The good news is, I watched some hilarious shit tonight, especially about Fleury. The bad news is, I was supposed to go to sleep an hour ago.

The reason for my downfall? Recently my friend recommended the HBO Road to the NHL Winter Classic. So when Episode 1, Part 1 popped up on the youtube sidebar, and it was only 14 minutes long, I figured it would be a good way to end the night.

It was. So was Episode 1, Part 2...and Episode 1, Part 3. If I don't go to bed now, I never will.

But before I do, I will leave you with this. Hockey players making sex puns are adorable.

Bromance, Part 3: Everyone, Kiss Your Goalie

I think it's really cute when hockey players celebrate a win by kissing the goalie.

Quick and Doughty have this celebration down cold. It's adorable.


But I won't get to see that again until October.

Instead, I guess I'll watch this.

I think that Logan Couture is kind of a douche sometimes, but I have to admit that as a fan of goalie kisses, it's awesome that he is using this as his Twitter profile picture. Also, Niemi was looking mighty good during Game 2 today. He had some straight up ninja shit happening during the second period. I hope he got some extra kisses after today's game.

Will we see something like this over the next week? My husband sure hopes so.

Ok, Howard. I'll give you a hug, but no kiss until we win at least 1 game in this frakking series.

Even though I'm Switzerland on this series, I do hope that the Wings can avoid getting swept, because that is just embarrassing. (Then again, they did sweep the Coyotes, so I'm not going to cry if it happens to the Wings.)

At the end of the day, all I really want are celebrations that involve kissing the goalies. Those guys work their asses off. They deserve it.