Fuck You, Edmonton [Updated]

Note: I'm crashing from a sugar high, and I'm in a shitty mood, so this post contains a TON of profanity. As the Penny Arcade boys would say, "This podcast features adults, using adult language. You have been warned."

Occasionally in life, I will get the sense that I am about to be totally fucked, and not in a good way. It's how Weiner must have felt when he realized that instead of sending a Direct Message, he sent out an actual tweet of his junk. At a certain point, you know the fallout is coming, and you just need to frantically find your rain boots and slicker before a shower of shit falls on your head.

Now I don't like to go through life looking for things that are about to royally screw me. That's no way to live. But today I just can't help it.

Specifically, there are two ways in which I foresee Kings fans getting royally screwed today.

Way #1 just actually probably maybe already happened. According to LA Kings Insider, Colin Fraser is injured.

"But Wongsby," you might be saying, "He was never going to be a crucial player for the Kings." To that I say, you're probably right. But unlike Brule, the Oilers' first offering, at least Fraser was in a position - physically - to compete for a spot on the roster. OR SO WE THOUGHT. Apparently he is injured and might miss the beginning of the season. You read that right- of the SEASON. Meaning, he won't be ready to go until possibly November or December, also known as potentially SIX MONTHS FROM NOW. According to Helene Elliott, who I consider reliable:

helenenothelen Helene Elliott

To repeat/clarify previous; Smyth trade will NOT be voided. They will work out additional/alternative compensation to Kings.

4 minutes ago Favorite Retweet Reply

helenenothelen Helene Elliott

@

@snakepit_uk said unhealed fracture, not unnoticed

17 minutes ago

helenenothelen Helene Elliott

Apparently Oilers' medical reports said Fraser was healed. Kings' personnel found otherwise

28 minutes ago

helenenothelen Helene Elliott

But likelihood of Kings and Oil trading again in future is, um, small.

33 minutes ago

helenenothelen Helene Elliott

Smyth trade won't be voided. Kings and Oil will try to work this out.

34 minutes ago

helenenothelen Helene Elliott

Especially after Brule fiasco. Kings had intended to let Fraser compete for job, not buy him out. Neither can happen now

38 minutes ago

helenenothelen Helene Elliott

Colin Fraser, player Kings acquiired in Ryan Smyth deal, has unhealed fracture/cyst and will need surgery 4 months projection. Kings angry

Honestly I don't care that he can't compete for a roster spot for a few months. Whatever. What I do care about is the fact that this just drives home the fact that WE FUCKING TRADED RYAN SMYTH FOR FUCKING NOTHING. I was already unhappy about how it all worked out, because the Oilers held all the cards, and they traded us a BROKEN PLAYER ANYWAY. And we can't buy him out, because he's injured! And they lied to us about his condition. And we fucking gave up Ryan Smyth. Dude. Talk about getting screwed! Fuck you, Edmonton! You better give us some "alternative compensation," you dicks!

Also, aren't trades contingent upon passing a physical? If not, BAD LAWYER. Bad, bad lawyer. Dean Lombardi, call me up instead. I'll work for season tickets.

Way #2 that we might all get fucked today is Drew Doughty. I can't bring myself to go into it in excruciating detail because I'd rather just wait and see what happens, but the current rumor is that he's trying to get Kopitar-like numbers.

DREW. QUIT FUCKING AROUND. When you're good, you're astounding. But when you're bad, you're FUCKING TERRIBLE. I'll find some videos later. (Specifically I'm looking for the video of his missed hip check from the playoffs, I think from Game 1, but I couldn't find it in 10 minutes on youtube so I'm giving up because it's that kind of day.)

The thing that drives me NUTS about Doughty (and again, not in a good way) is the fact that he is young and I feel like he doesn't always apply himself. If he applied himself, then he'd earn the right to Kopi's salary. But this past season - and I know things have been tough for him - I just did not see the magic consistently. And if you want those numbers, it's got to be consistent.

Giving Drew those numbers also means that we probably aren't seriously going for Brad Richards or a huge LW acquisition, which probably was not going to happen anyway, but in my wildest dreams is something that I wish for now on an almost daily basis.

Anyway, here's to hoping that we don't all get totally fucked today. Sometimes that's just the best you can hope for.

Edit: I failed to mention that the Smyth trade freed up cap space for the Kings. That was a big plus from the trade. But it still stings especially upon learning that Fraser is injured. And, now that we have the cap space, I'd rather see the $ go to a LW or Brad Richards than to making Doughty fatter.

Worlds Colliding.

Hockey fans are all kinds of awesome.

And in blogging about hockey, and tweeting about hockey, and then reading other people's tweets about hockey, and then reading other people's blogs about hockey, I have come to the conclusion that some hockey fans love the same exact very strange and specific things that I myself love. Most of these areas of overlap are TV shows. Hmmm.

WORLDS COLLIDING #1: DOCTOR WHO.

I cannot even tell you how many hockey fans I've corresponded with about hockey...only to discover that we both absolutely adore Doctor Who. I don't know why, other than the fact that Doctor Who is fucking AWESOME. If you haven't watched it yet, you should. Especially the bits (read: entire seasons) with David Tennant. And you should also watch Torchwood. And Being Human. Anyway, the hockey/Doctor Who area of overlap is especially confusing to me because Doctor Who is a British show, and I don't know a lot of British people who love NHL hockey, but, there you have it.

WORLDS COLLIDING #2: STAR TREK.

Again, I don't know why this is. But a certain super duper awesome twitter friend (who I frequently think is actually my alter ego, only male) adores Star Trek. And he adores the LA Kings. And he hates Sarah Palin. Hmm. Maybe this is actually a list of things that people with common sense all agree upon...

WORLDS COLLIDING #3: PARTY DOWN.

Such an underrated show. So hilarious. So tragically cancelled.

WORLDS COLLIDING #4: FIREFLY.

...speaking of things that were tragically cancelled...

WORLDS COLLIDING #5: STEAK

No seriously. I can't even count the number of times that steak comes up on my twitter feed of hockey fans. It's obscene. It's Ron Swanson-esque. I love it.

Five is enough for now. I'll add more later. In the meantime, cheers to all you fabulous, steak-loving, Doctor Who- obsessed hockey fans. We'll get through the summer. Somehow.

Desire.

Desire.

Some people have it. Some people don't.

According to an impassioned Flyers fan whose email to Quisp is posted on Jewels From the Crown, Mike Richards has it. And it's hard to argue with something like this:

(I am loving the comment on youtube from "braininahat.")

At the end of the day, all I want in a hockey player is DESIRE. Desire is what drives humans to excel. It inspires us. It is the feeling that, at the end of the day, we remember most. The desire to win. The desire to achieve glory. The desire to be remembered. The desire to finish the damned game after triple overtimes so that we can eat some fucking pasta and go to bed. Or at the very least, as U2 puts it, the desire for money money money money. Whatever you need to get fired up works for me. As I have said before, I just love watching people do what they love to do.

So if a player wants to go home to Edmonton, and that is where he finds his desire and his love of the game, that is fine with me. He's doing what he needs to do in order to play the game he loves, the way he loves to play it. (Note: I believe that even if Smyth wasn't traded, he'd still work his ass off for the Kings.)

On the flip side, just as nothing fires me up like seeing a player powered by desire, nothing cools me down faster than seeing a player who simply does not give a shit.

DUSTIN PENNER, I AM FUCKING LOOKING AT YOU.

I didn't want to do a post like this about Penner. I didn't plan to do a post like this. In fact, I wanted to see how Penner did at the start of next season before judging him. But this Richards trade has brought back all of my fears about trading veterans- the fears that I honestly did not have until Penner completely failed to show up for the Kings.

If you can bear it (I can't), watch this and see his disgusting lack of hustle. Kings fans, you know the video I'm about to show you, and if you're like me, the bile is already rising in your throats. He LITERALLY should have been KILLING HIMSELF to stop Setoguchi. I know it's not totally his fault, but shit like this makes it easy for me to hate him.

My biggest issue with Penner is not his skill level, because anyone watching him play for Edmonton knows that he doesn't totally suck. It's his heart. It's his total and utter lack of DESIRE. I am terrified that Richards is going to take this trade hard- all evidence shows that he already is- and lose the wonderful desire that he showed for the Flyers.

Penner was promising. Richards is even more promising. But Penner lost his desire to win when he came to LA. And if Richards does the same thing, he will fall even farther than Penner, and I will fucking lose my shit all over the place.

Desire. Some guys have it. Some guys don't.

Please bring your desire when you come to LA, Mike Richards.

(Lastly- another day, another day of radio silence from Wayne Simmonds. I'm starting to feel for the guy. But the reality is, he's going to Philadelphia, so maybe he should start endearing himself to the Flyers fans and do a fucking interview. Show some desire, goddammit.)

Smyth (Part 4), This Week's Wish List

I've said a lot about Smyth leaving, but I haven't said this: honesty goes a long way with me, and I'm not thrilled that he lied initially and said he had not requested a trade. It could all be an issue of semantics (i.e. he told DL that he'd "prefer" to finish in Edmonton, but only if it worked for the Kings, as opposed to outright "requesting" a trade). But the bottom line is, the deal is done, and the Kings gave up a lot for what seems like very little. I'm confused by that because I think the Kings easily could have said to Smyth, "we're not trading you unless we get something good." And while usually it would not be great to have a player that would prefer to be elsewhere, I think that Smyth would still play hard and do his best. Maybe I'm being a doe-eyed optimist here. I'm not as angry about Smyth lying as Scribe is, but I'm not thrilled. I'd like to just move on.

We've seen interviews with or statements from Smyth, Schenn, and Mike Richards (the links are small sampling; Mike Richards has done at least a half dozen pretty good interviews).

But I have not seen a single thing from Simmonds. Does that mean that he is taking this so hard that he can't bring himself to do any press? Or that people don't care what he has to say? I'd love to hear what he has to say. I'm sure it would be totally predictable and fall along the lines of every single other interview, which all seem to include the following components:

(1) This comes as a bit of a shock (or a total shock)

(2) I read about it in the media before getting a call from my coach/owner

(3) Shows me that this is all a business, which I guess is fine and the way things have to be,

(4) I'm sad to leave a team that I love...

(5) ...but excited to join the new team, which I know is going in a great direction, and

(6) I can't wait to get there and help out any way I can.

Also silent: Doughty. And that's a good thing. I figure he'd be the type of cocky young guy to muddy the negotiations with some bullshit statements but so far he's been nice and quiet. Hopefully he's been busy going to the gym. And hopefully he's sign that 5-year offer real soon.

Here's what I'm hoping to see this week:

(1) Doughty signs a contract

(2) We see some news from Handzus- is he coming back or what?

(3) We have one more impressive acquisition, preferably for a LW

I feel that I am entitled to make this wish list because I'm turning 30 this week, so if the Hockey Gods could arrange for one of the three things on my list, I'd be a very happy birthday girl. Speaking of very happy, yesterday my husband gave me my present- he'd organized all of my family members and closest friends to go in on a pair of 10-game Flex Pack Tickets for the coming season!! I was actually so touched when I saw all the names on the card that I cried, before I even opened up the rest of the totally awesome gift. We're going to try and do the season-opener, the season-closer, both Red Wings games, the Pens game, a Caps game, an Oilers game (to say hi to Smyth), at least one Sharks game, and a few more. We don't host the Flyers, which sucks, because I'd been hoping to see Simmonds and Schenn in action.

Can't wait to see what the next week holds for the Kings. So far it's been a pretty exciting off-season!

Ryan Smyth Wants Out (Part 3)

For my first few months of Kings fandom, I didn't even know how to say Ryan Smyth's last name correctly.

But last season I started paying more attention to Smyth and Handzus because my husband likes them both, probably because they are both a little older. I've noticed that my husband tends to like slightly older players, probably because they've been around longer so he knows them more, but also because the veterans tend to be hard workers who don't need to be told to show up in shape (exception: Dustin Penner. Unless he turns some of that fat into muscle, fuck that guy.) In contrast, some of the younger guys drive my husband insane- especially Doughty.

Anyway, back to Smyth. I also like him because he kind of looks like Dana Carvey when he has a helmet on. (I'll find a picture later.)

The reports of his desire to return to the Alberta area for family reasons have basically been confirmed and the deal is all but done. Now it's a question of which team will get him and what the Kings will get in return. I don't fault the guy. Not after watching that farewell video. He gave it his all with the Kings and I'm sad to see him leave, but I'm not angry.

So, like the folks at Mayor's Manor, who shared some of their Smyth memories in the face of his likely departure from the Kings, I also have a Smyth memory to share. Two, actually.

First memory: Earlier this season he had an amazing game, so I paid special attention to him for what was probably the first time ever. I could see on the television that he stopped a few times on his way to and from the locker room to give stuff to kids that were hanging over the sides of the seats. At the end of the game, he was named as one of the Stars. He handed his stick over the glass to a little girl, and as he was skating away, some older dude grabbed it. He turned around, skated back, and clearly told the older dude to give it back to the little girl. What could be cuter than that? I love men who are good with kids. (That's the thing about hockey players- they are so tough on the ice, but then they do things like cry when they receive awards, and take time for kids. I love it.)

Second memory: My husband and I went to all of the playoff games at Staples this year. We even brought signs down to the glass for warm-ups during Game 6. At the end of warm-ups, Smyth was one of the last players on the ice. Most of the other players looked too tense to even acknowledge the fans. He looked over at all of our bright, shining, hopeful faces. Then he scooped up a bunch of pucks from warm-ups, skated over, and started tossing the pucks over to the fans while smiling and saying "thanks." It was absolutely adorable.

Since then, he's had a special place in my heart. I'm a sucker for good guys and he is one of the nicest. We'll miss you, Smyth.

Thanks, Philadelphia!

More comprehensive blogs than mine will analyze Richards' stats, put him into different combinations of imaginary lines (what's the point? TM will just try every possible combination for 1 game each anyway), and run the salary numbers to see what other trades the Kings might make in the coming days.

I'll do a much more simplistic analysis based on almost completely subjective reasoning, with the driving question being "overall, am I happy with this trade?"

The answer is yes.

The Kings just acquired an NHL captain.

Let that sink in for a second. And then read this:

The Kings acquired an NHL captain who led his team to the Stanley Cup Finals.

Of course I'm sorry to see Simmonds go. And Schenn. But as Surly notes:

But I loved Brayden Schenn! I really wanted to see him develop with me the Kings!

Me too. But I would rather bed Meghan Fox now than hope that some 15 year old will be hot and willing to sleep with me in 3 years. Mike Richards is now what Brayden Schenn hopes to be at the same stage of his own career.

I think we have enough young developing talent. I don't want to make a Cup run in 4 years. I want to make it NEXT YEAR. Call me greedy. Call me short-sighted (especially if Schenn starts lighting it up in a few years wearing orange and white). But I believe that the time is NOW for the Kings to make their move, and I think that they just did.

And, with the publicity from this trade, people in the Eastern Conference just might actually learn that Los Angeles has a freaking hockey team. And that is never a bad thing. We get such little recognition out here. I'm GLAD that Flyers fans will be shaking their fists at us for the next year (at least). At least they know that we exist.

Why You Heff To Be Mad?

Certain things will always make me laugh. Like this.

It's not just the things he says, it's his VOICE. I cannot handle it. Every once in awhile, my husband and I will turn to each other and say "why you heff to be so mad?" or "it's just game."

So seeing this, which was written by someone in Vancouver the day after the riots, made me laugh even harder.

Minus 32. Could you imagine?

The thing about Bryz is that he really likes to tell it like it is. My favorite part about reading his interviews is that I automatically hear whatever he says in that weird high voice from the video.

Once you substituted Lada's goaltender Vincent Riendeau when he gave up two goals. You just put on your gear and came out to the ice.

"Yes, it happened in the playoffs when Lada played for Perm. The coach then couldn't decide to pull the Canadian. So I just jumped out."

Did you want to do it in Vancouver [during the Olympics]?

"Very much so. But couldn't imagine what it would look like? The Olympics are broadcast worldwide. Out quarter final game with Canada is watched by millions of people. I am skating towards the goal and there is another one in goal who refuses to leave? That would be a joke."

...

What does a goaltender feel when he's in goal and is struck by pucks hard as a rock?

"But I wear my equipment. I feel very little. Of course I wouldn't stand in goal naked. I don't look crazy, do I?"

And, much to my glee, he just joined twitter as Bryzgoalie30. And he has some great things to say. Especially about how dogs cross the street. I LOVE IT.

bryzgoalie30 bryzgoalie30

I'm birthday boy today thanks for warm wishes.Somebody drink for me,i'm not drink at all

22 Jun Unfavorite Retweet Reply

bryzgoalie30 bryzgoalie30

Nakonetsya dobralsya do morya. Zdes super!

21 Jun

bryzgoalie30 bryzgoalie30

serozja! Welcome! kak dela my frriend?

20 Jun

bryzgoalie30 bryzgoalie30

Wow I have over 5,000 followers. Unbelievable! I did not expect such a response. Thanks friends and WELCOME!!!!!!

20 Jun

bryzgoalie30 bryzgoalie30

While people were crossing that same road in a completely bizzare way everywhere but on the pedestrian crossing. What an amazing dog))))))

20 Jun

bryzgoalie30 bryzgoalie30

Today was driving around Moscow city and was amazed by one dog! This dog was crossing the road exactly at pedestrian crossing))))

20 Jun

He basically combines my two favorite things: goalies, and being funny. So thanks, Bryz, for the laughs. I'll be watching when you (probably) head to Philadephia.