Not Quite Turtles Having Sex

As any faithful reader [all 4 of you] will know, I love goalies. And I love fights. And nothing gets me going quite like a goalie fight.

My co-worker sent this to me yesterday. This is 200% awesome- 100% because of the fight itself, and 100% because the announcer is just absolutely losing his shit. I love it when a grown man goes to pieces.

Jay Mohr is wrong- this is nothing like turtles having sex. Unless turtles having sex is AWESOME.

I would be remiss if I did not also post this video. This combines two of my other favorite things- an all-out brawl, and a goalie fight. Oh, and the best fight entrance ever.

I will conclude this post by noting that goodbyes are tough. They are even tougher when the person leaving is both the best source of ridiculous internet linkage and the only person willing to talk hockey with me on an hourly basis. Godspeed, B. Please start that blog we've been talking about. I look forward to reading about your "research." And if you ever need a good lawyer, well, you've got about 25 who will go to the mat for you.

An Open Letter to Kyle Clifford and Jonathan Bernier

Dear Kyle Clifford and Jonathan Bernier,

I was unsure about writing this letter for two reasons. First, when it comes to hockey players, I don't care about your politics or your personal life; I just want to see you play the game with genuine effort and affection. Second, I am generally uncomfortable when "the public" feels as if it can request anything at all from "celebrities"- including sports celebrities- because after all, you are a human being, with the right to make your choices as privately as possible, particularly choices about professional things like sports management firms.

And yet, I feel strongly enough to write to you, as a Kings fan, and ask you to think about your relationship with Uptown Hockey.

As I am sure you know (and as your agents surely should have told you by now), Uptown Hockey made the news earlier this year when VP Todd Reynolds tweeted a response to Sean Avery's statements in support of gay marriage. I could devote an entire post to Sean Avery and I probably will someday, but right now, I will just say, I gained a lot of respect for that guy because of his stance on marriage equality.

Reynolds responded:

He then attempted to clarify his comments by comparing a man and man being together with a man and horse being together.

I find Reynold's comments to be both internally contradictory and incredibly offensive. And morally wrong. Of course, this is according to my own moral compass, and he has his own, as well he should. And he certainly has the right to voice his opinions.

But free speech does not give people the freedom to speak their minds in a vacuum. The whole point of free speech is to protect speech because speech has meaning. So it is a total cop-out to say something, be judged for it, and then argue that you should be judgment-free because you have the right to free speech. No one is saying you can't say it. But if you say it, you have to accept the consequences. THAT is the point of free speech- your words should mean something so dear to you that you are willing to put those words out into the world. And once you do, the world may respond, and there may be consequences.

And I hope that you will help Reynolds realize that there are consequences to his statements. Just as he has his own moral compass that is as legitimate and strong as mine, you also have moral compasses of your own. You may also respond to his free speech.

And you should ask yourselves, what is so upsetting about this picture, taken recently in New York.

The only upsetting part is that these fathers had to wait so long to get married.

I'm just asking you to sit down for a second, take stock of the world around you, and explore your own feelings on gay marriage. And if you feel strongly- as I obviously do- think about doing something about that.

I will always love to watch you both play. And I will always, always support you and the Kings. But I will love you just a little bit more, in my bleeding liberal heart, if you find the courage to stand up for marriage equality.

-Wongsby.

Disappointed.

Dear Kings:

So wrong but so funny. My Chinese dad would totally agree.

We tried very very hard to support you by putting down a deposit last season for this season, and by buying quasi-season tickets.

But you fucked us.

It's just not right. It's almost enough to make me game the system by obtaining cheaper tickets and then [redacted for self-protection].

I'm obviously not going to hold it against the players. And we're obviously going to show up and support them and buy more tickets and love the Kings forever.

But NOT COOL, dudes. NOT COOL.

-Wongsby

Aww, Come On!

I've posted this before on twitter and I've been looking for an excuse to post it again.

What prompted this? The news that Drew Doughty will NOT be going on the LA Kings fan cruise.

My husband thinks I stayed home this weekend (he's in San Diego at Comic-Con) so that I could relax and work and catch up on life. He's wrong. I stayed home because I secretly bought a ticket for the fan cruise.

HAHAHA just kidding, I didn't.

BUT IF I HAD, and if I was single, I would be really unhappy that Drew (who I find mildly attractive, but I can see why ladies really love him) isn't going. I'd also be unhappy that Simmonds isn't going since now he's a Flyer (UGH). And that Bernier isn't going (was he ever? I dunno. But he's adorable and I love him.) Now it looks like it's just poor Trevor Lewis (not a great pic there, bro), who won't even have any teammates to share exasperated glances with when the fans mob him mercilessly on the cruise. So, sorry to all the female fans who were hoping for a sausage-fest (or as BizNasty calls it, Cocktoberfest). It ain't happening.

On the plus side for Lewis, however, I am SURE that he is going to get a ton of ass.

That brings me to a question, which I really really want to know the answer to (maybe). How much ass do single hockey players get when they are on the road? Why do I want to know? Because I'm fucking nosy, that's why.

ANYWAY, back to Doughty. Awhile back, at the beginning of #Doughtywatch (shut up, I used the hash tag ironically), I implied that he was holding up the contract negotiations. In fact, it looks like the ball has been in the Kings' court for awhile now. So I totally understand why he opted not to go on the cruise. If Doughty was to blame for the hold up I'd consider this just another little bitch move on his part, but I guess that's not the case. This time.

My Addictive Personality

Warning: this blog takes a long time to circle back to the topic of hockey.

A few weeks ago, my friends John and Yuki came to stay with us in Los Angeles. As the four of us jammed comfortably onto our big red couch playing Peggle and eating frozen yogurt, John asked me how I got into hockey. I related the story of attending my first live game, and meeting Rob Scuderi and Peter Harrold (hands down one of the coolest moments of my life). This led to a discussion of how easy it is to get me to love things, and how convenient that must be for my husband (who has, after all, introduced me to many of the things I love most, which are all coincidentally things that he loves). John contemplated me for a moment, and then said slowly, in a way that only a very old, beloved friend can say, "My dear...I think you might have a bit of an addictive personality."

I beamed up at him. "I know. I LOVE being addicted to LOVING things!"

That is me in a nutshell. I don't like things- I LOVE them. And I love the fact that I love things. That's not to say I'm particularly sunny- when the world disappoints me, I take it very hard, and I rarely hold back my emotions. As my co-worker said to me today, during a discussion about the basic nature of humanity (yeah...we actually talk about that stuff), "you are the nicest angry person I ever met."

I've known about my addictive personality for a long time. It tends to take the following format:

(1) I learn about the existence of something.

(2) I decide that that thing is fun.

(3) I become obsessed and ONLY want to spend time doing (or eating, or wearing, or reading, or watching) that one thing.

(4) My addiction ends only when I become addicted to the next thing.

Not that this is a bad thing. I don't think it's ever been particularly unhealthy; I've never been addicted to drugs, or shopping, or gambling- just to loving new and interesting things. (Although, my best friend would disagree- 13 years ago she called my tendency to start dating someone new immediately after being dumped/breaking up with someone else "unwise" and tried to make me stay single for 2 months in high school. What she doesn't know- sorry Ash- is that I was actually dating someone for one of those months and didn't tell her. What can I say? At the time I was addicted to being in relationships.)

My addictive personality now manifests itself in new ways. Right now I'm obsessed with eating CPK white pizza. I could (literally) eat it every day. [Note- whenever I type "literally" in parentheses, you should imagine Rob Lowe from Parks & Rec reading that sentence aloud to you.] I'm also obsessed with songs by Mat Kearney and recently purchased about 40 songs of his songs on iTunes. This morning I didn't have one banana with peanut butter- I had two (in my defense, they were small.)

I was recently obsessed with playing certain video games- courtesy of my husband- to the point where I'd beg him to play Left 4 Dead with me for months on end, long after he was sick of playing it. I was the same way with Lego Star Wars. "But honey," I'd say pathetically, waving Tim Tams in front of his face as a bribe, "we need to get 100%!" He'd look at me wearily over his hot chocolate mug and say "Sweetie- no one gets 100%. You don't HAVE to do it." We probably had this conversation about 15 times before I gave up.

I'm the same way with TV shows. My preferred way of watching anything is on DVD, but that is also a recipe for disaster, because I will (literally) not do anything else until I am done with all of the DVDs. For example, the title of this particular blog post is inspired by something I was addicted to a few years ago- the TV show Scrubs. As a general rule, the title of each episode began with the word "my"- for example, "My First Day" and the very best episode of all, "My Screw Up" (which features one of my favorite songs, "Winter" by Joshua Radin). "My Way Home," the Wizard of Oz homage, was also particularly outstanding. Anyway, Scrubs had the unique ability to go from hilarious to downright tragic, often several times within one 30-minute episode, and I was hooked. I blew through over 100 episodes within 6 weeks.

I'm also incredibly addicted to running right now, which is strange because I am genuinely terrible at running. It has (literally) taken me 5 months to work up to being able to run for 30 minutes straight. I did track in high school but there are two very important differences between now and then- (1) In high school I was a sprinter and jumper, and (2) I'm not 18 anymore. But there is just something about lacing up my shoes, leashing up my dog, and heading out into the sunlight for a solitary run that I fantasize about longingly as I sit in my office.

And that bring me to hockey. In all of my years of addictions, I have never been as addicted to anything as I am to hockey. I think there are a few reasons for this:

(1) Sports fandom is addictive. And the addiction is not shameful; there is no reason to hide it. In fact, it allows you to connect with people instantly. There are (literally) thousands of other people who share the exact same hopes and dreams about the same sports team, who are willing to talk to you about it for hours on end, and who encourage you to become more and more addicted every day.

(2) The Internet provides an endless supply of information to feed sports addictions.

(3) When your team wins, there is no better feeling. (I should caveat this- unless the win is tempered by the severe injury of one of your star players. That game against the Avs where Kopitar went down is not a win that I savor at all.)

However, some would probably contend that my addiction to hockey, particularly during the playoffs, was possibly a little unhealthy. I distinctly recall not being able to eat more than 1 meal each day without hyperventilating or experiencing stomach pains. I was so depressed when they were eliminated that people at work were closing my door to ask if I was ok. I went through the age old question that is asked by every fan- why isn't my extreme love for my team enough to bring them victory? It tormented me.

But that's the flip side of the coin, right? Some day, some day, I will get to experience the other side- the bright, shiny side shaped like the STANLEY CUP. Because like all good fans, I truly believe in the ability of my beloved team to bring home the Cup. It might not be this year, but it could be. And that hope- that glimmer of possibility- is the REAL reason that my addiction to hockey will never, ever pass.

This Week (aka Select-A-Seat Update)

...has been full of fail. (And it's only Wednesday!)

Through a series of unfortunate events I now want our LA Kings ticket guy's head on a platter. Let's just say that we DON'T have the seats that we painstakingly selected.

But I'm so over it at this point (translation: even though I am usually the forceful one who handles negotiations with third parties, I'm too tired and busy right now), so my husband is handling it. I'm sure it will work out.

...and that's the update. I've been working on some longer posts (including an open letter to Jonathan Bernier and Kyle Clifford) that I will hopefully throw up here in the next month, but frankly my will to get shit done has been at an all-time low, and my crappy attitude is at an all-time high, so let's just see what happens.

Select-A-Seat

Tonight we choose our seats for the 10 games that we'll be attending next season. Chances are we will go to more, because I want to take my dad again, and then I'll organize a group of co-workers, and of COURSE we have the Pens game/Milpitas High School reunion on Nov 5. Plus I think we have another pair of free tickets from last season. I think we know what dates we want; we are going to try and stagger them so that we're going at least once each month.

I'm excited. I still need to go home, go for a run, and leave myself enough time to sit down in front of the computer and choose seats at 8:30pm. Oh, and write an article for work. Hmmm. All I can think about is hockey!

This Cost Me $1.24 to Post

I'm at a FedEx in Maryland printing some stuff for work- and being charged by the minute for using this fine computer. But it's worth it, because this past week away has taught me something very important:

Even on the other side of the country, I will find a way to FIND HOCKEY. I'll post some pictures later, but suffice it to say, while my husband and his friend went to get the car, I stayed behind at the Conte Forum (Boston College) to find pictures of Peter Harrold and Rob Scuderi from their college days.

Also, to whet your appetite for this coming season, I'm posting this video. I can't tell who made it (as in, is this person a fan? a member of the Kings organization? they have some amazing footage) but it made me miss our boys so, so very much. And it pumps me up for next season. Enjoy.

Look-Alikes (Part 2)

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you:

I would love to do a long post about this- and find better pictures- but I'm a little pressed for time today so maybe I'll discuss this more in a week or so (probably in a non-hockey-related post about why I enjoy studying WWII history). Specifically, the photo above of Damian Lewis is taken from Band of Brothers. If you have not yet seen Band of Brothers, you should stand up right now, get in your car, drive to the store, purchase it, come home, watch the entire thing, and then come back to your computer and continue reading this blog.

This prompts me to ask, is there anything that HBO cannot do? Band of Brothers. 24/7 Road to the Winter Classic. I could just watch those two things all day long.

Dear Drew...

Dear Drew,

You want more money than Kopi for this?

While I am aware that this was not singularly representative of your performance this season, it is a nice reminder that you are not yet a fully developed hockey god. So quit fucking around and sign this beautiful contract.

Sincerely,

Dean Lombardi

---

I couldn't find this video by searching for "doughty playoffs missed check." But I could find it by searching "couture playoffs goal kings." It pained me to type in those search terms. It pained me in the emotions.

I would obviously really like the Kings to re-sign Doughty. But if they pull another blockbuster trade and send Doughty off in exchange for someone huge, I won't complain (for longer than 1 blog post, and then again every time Doughty does something amazing for the other team). But I've seen some insane rumors circulating (so insane that I won't even post them- because I don't want to give the rumors legs) so I'm not married to any one outcome. I just want to know- are we going to be able to sign Doughty, is some other team going to steal him for outrageous money, or are we working on a crazy trade? Or some fourth option that I can't even think of?

Sadly, only time will tell, and if there is one thing I hate, it's WAITING.

Harrold*

Am I the only one who cares about Peter Harrold not coming back to the Kings?

Why do I care? Because he is one of the reasons I fell in love with the Kings in the first place.

Why doesn't anyone else care? Because he's boring as shit, as evidenced by the fact that even the Canucks fans from last year's playoffs chose to depict him as a bowl of oatmeal. He had minimal playing time and just doesn't seem needed.

Anyway, Harrold, I'll miss you. I don't know where you're going, but I'll always be a fan.

*This is one of my most boring posts ever. Ironic, given that I am probably the only one who doesn't consider Harrold totally boring. Then again, when I tried to find youtube videos of his greatest moments, there were only three options: two grainy videos of him scoring goals that made me motion-sick to watch because the quality was so poor, and one video of him being hit by Chara and going down (which isn't so much a greatest moment, as pretty embarrassing, so I'm not posting it). And he's not even listed as a player on hockeyfights.com. Sigh. Sorry Harrold. No videos for you.

If you want to see videos, I'll refer you to my last post, with the talking dog video. Is it sad that the talking dog post is probably the post I am proudest of on this entire blog? "The maple guy?" Yeah. It is.

The Talking Dog Understands Me

This video will never fail to make me laugh so hard that I start jerking around like a partially paralyzed starfish. My mom loves it, my co-workers love it (especially the one who watched it for the first time in a bar bathroom), and my husband can do a mean imitation of the dog that I (literally) cannot handle.

When I heard that Handzus has been signed by the Sharks (THE SHARKS, OF ALL TEAMS, GOD DAMMIT) I felt just like the dog in this video.

But in my version, the script for the video would go something like this:

Dean Lombardi: So I think we're going to try and get Mike Richards from the Flyers.

Dog: Yeah?

DL: And I'm willing to give up something good to do it.

Dog: Yeah?

DL: So I'm going to go over our whole roster and just choose players to give up- you know what the roster is, right?

Dog: Yeah...what is on there?

DL: You know that golden prospect? The one from Saskatoon?

Dog: The maple guy? Yeah?

DL: I think I'm going to trade him. And Simmonds.

Dog: AWWWWWWHHHHH. No! You're kidding me!

DL: Nope! Not kidding! I also noticed that Smyth wants to go to Edmonton. So I'm going to trade him too- for an injured dude and a 48th round draft pick!

Dog: Waaa-aaaa-ahhhh!

DL: And just a few minutes ago, I put something together that's really special. You're gonna love this one. I took some celebrities, and some guys who play on other LA sports teams, and I put together a video, and bought a bunch of tickets to Toronto, and-

Dog: Yeah?

DL: -and then I flew up there and made an outrageously kiss-assy presentation to Brad Richards and covered it with-

Dog: - covered it with what?

DL: Promises for blow jobs! But it probably won't work anyway. And I have no Plan B.

Dog: Yeah?

DL: And guess what?

Dog: What?

DL: Handzus just signed with the San Jose Sharks!

Dog: Noooooooo-oooooooo-oooo-ooo!

Christmas in July

What a difference a day makes.

Yesterday I was down, down, down.

But today, I'm coming up. (Yeah I know that joke's been done 100 times but that song has literally been stuck in my head for a whole week.)

Why? Because the sun is shining, the Friday Work Lunch is at my favorite restaurant, family members are flying in from the East Coast to celebrate my Dad's 60th birthday...and Dean Lombardi is, at this moment, making an in-person, serious play for Brad Richards.

Life is good.

I can't focus at work for shit, but life is good.

Now, I don't want to be the type of optimist that assumes that if we sign Brad Richards, we're automatic Stanley Cup contenders. That's kind of like being in an unhappy relationship and thinking that getting engaged (or getting pregnant) will fix everything. There's a lot of hard work that still needs to be done. People will need to adjust. Lines will need to gel. (Oh sorry, I just fell off my chair laughing, because TM will never allow lines to gel. That would require a line-up to survive more than two consecutive games.) But you get my point. It won't necessarily be smooth sailing, but it will help immensely to have ridiculously talented people on board the ship.

So why do I want Brad Richards so much? Because I think he could be GREAT. Because I want the Eastern Conference to start taking us seriously. Because I want all eyes on the Kings when next season starts. Because getting talent like that will send a clear message to the rest of the Kings that they can be serious contenders and they need to show up and WORK. Because it would be fucking exciting, and I'm bored, and it's the off-season, and I need a little excitement. Because Bob Miller would have a hell of a time with Brad Richardson, Mike Richards, and Brad Richards. Because I believe in possibilities. Because I love my team and they deserve to be stacked to the top with talent. Because I want the Kings to show the world that they will do whatever it takes to make a serious run at the Cup.

Finally, the rumors are flying that Doughty is now seeking to be the most expensive King. But I don't think we'll hear news on Doughty today. If we sign Brad Richards, will Doughty throw a tantrum because he won't be the center of attention, and pick one of the other offer sheets that he is sure to receive? Or will he put on his big boy pants, remember that he loves the Kings, and sign the contract? Only time will tell. But I will say this, Drew- the longer you delay, the more annoyed the Kings fans will become. At the moment we all still love you. We just want to be loved in return, so try not to make it TOO obvious that it's all about money.

So today I'll be sitting in my office (or at my favorite restaurant) positively vibrating with excitement over the fact that today is like Christmas in July for hockey fans. (Although, this is worse than Christmas, because at least on Christmas, everyone else is excited too, but in my office only a handful of other people even know that today is a big day, and I've already talked to each of them twice. I wish LA was more of a hockey town.) Anyway, let's hope the Kings have a BIG DAY today.