Never get caught telling a hockey player it's just a game. Never get caught trying to explain to him all the things in the world that matter so much more. His mind might well acknowledge the truth to your point, but his soul would be powerless to accept it, considering the immensity of what he gives to the sport, and the immeasurability of all it offers in return.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
While I was in the shower this morning, I got 2 very exciting emails. First, from the artistic director of my dance company, who verified that we do NOT have rehearsal on Wednesday, which means I can take that hot pair of tickets off of my friend N's hands (thank you N!!)...and second, from a Lakers fan who wanted to congratulate me on the Kings stunning 3-0 series. He said:
For the past 3 Kings' games, the Lakers and Dodgers have also played (and won) as well on the same day. I don't want to promise anything, but on Wednesday the Dodgers (they are currently 9-1) play Milwaukee and the Lakers play the Warriors (who suck...22-37).
I told him that for that reason alone I might root for the Lakers this coming Wednesday.
His emails reminded me about something very important- superstition. Last season when the Kings could not win a playoff game at home to save their lives, I changed up my routine every game because I was convinced- CONVINCED- that my actions had some impact on the game's outcome. Foolish? Possibly. But it's better not to take any chances.
Accordingly, I made a list of what needs to happen in order for the Kings to win Game 4 at home. Some things we can't control (like the Lakers play in Oakland instead of LA on Wednesday, and their game starts 30 minutes after the Kings game). But in an ideal world, this would happen for us to win:
(1) I will need to stay home from work. [Likelihood: 0 out of 10]
(2) My sister will need to watch the game. [Likelihood: 9 out of 10]
(3) I will need to go for a run. [Likelihood: 9 out of 10. I will wake up early to make this happen.]
(4) I will need to wear my I <3 JQ shirt from The Royal Half. [Likelihood: 10 out of 10. I'll wear it under my jersey.]
(5) The Red Wings will need to lose 3-2. [Likelihood: 0 out of 10, as they don't even play on Wednesday]
(6) The Penguins will have to suffer a total "meltdown of character" (as one of their biggest fans put it) and lose spectacularly to the Flyers. [Likelihood: unfortunately pretty high, as they are playing at 4:30 PST on Wednesday, in Philadelphia.]
I say "unfortunately" because I really am rooting for the Pens to win the round, though that became considerably harder during the last game. I could devote an entire entry to how my love and adoration of Sidney Crosby slowly but surely turned to embarrassment and disgust over the course of the last game- a bit like falling in love with a boy and then realizing that he litters- a total dealbreaker for me. My friend B, a Sidney Crosby hater, missed the game live because he was feeding his hangover at brunch, so I helped by texting him updates on the fights, the goals, and each thing that Crosby did that progressively made me hate him. Eventually our correspondence devolved into texts like "WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING?!?!?" and "FIND A FUCKING TV" and "There are like 1000 penalty minutes." [Yes, these are all actual texts from me.]
Anyway, my point is this: we can't exactly re-create Sunday. But we can all try. So PLEASE, Kings fans, if you wore something to the game on Sunday- wear it again on Wednesday. If you ate something specific, or drove to the game a certain route, or arrived a certain amount of time before the game- do those things again, in the exact same order. In fact, if you did anything notably different last Wednesday or Friday, throw those things in too, because I'd really like to win by a more comfortable margin. If you brought a broom (wince...so scared to jinx them) to Sunday's game, bring it again. Print out those Canucks Diving Team signs if you waved one on Sunday. What color underwear did you wear yesterday? Find it, wash it, and wear it again on Wednesday.
I do know this. If the Kings win on Wednesday, I might just start believing in a higher power. I'm so thankful for the last 3 wins and so proud of them. GO KINGS GO.
Friday, April 13, 2012
With that in mind, thought I'd share who I'm rooting for in each pairing.
Flyers v. Penguins
This is tough because I do love me some Wayne Simmonds and Max Talbot (and Bryz, of course), but I love me some Pens even more. In the name of Laurie and Ray, I have to root for the Pens. I'M SORRY, BRYZ!
Red Wings v. Predators
Easy. Wings without a question. The Predators have a stupid name and play dirty as shit (see: Shea v. Zetterberg's head). And my husband like the Wings. Love you, baby.
Canucks v. Kings
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha WHAT ARE YOU, MENTALLY DEFICIENT? THE KINGS! Even if the Canucks were not playing the Kings, I'd root for the team playing against the Canucks. That's how much I hate them.
Senators v. Rangers
Rangers. And not just because Lundqvist is a GILF (or a RILF). It's because I don't give a crap about the Senators and 24/7 made me a super secret Rangers supporter...when they aren't playing a team I like more.
Sharks v. Blues
SHARKS, BABY! Yes, St. Louis has an amazing museum (one of my favorites) below the Arch, but come on. I grew up in Norcal and I am HELLA pumped for the Sharks! Sean, BJ, Jessica, Jennifer, Billy, Tushar- this is for you.
Blackhawks v. Phoenix
I'm supposed to dislike Phoenix because they're in our division but whatever. I'm going to PHX here. I want BizNasty to see some ice time.
Devils v. Panthers
Who? What? Slight advantage to the Devils because they took Peter Harrold, but then disadvantage because they sent him down (I'm assuming- he's too boring to check). But I really can't get behind anything from Florida, and my family is from New Jersey, so I'll go with the Devils.
Capitals v. Bruins
Bruins. Obviously. Even though Tim Thomas has evil magical powers that allow him to impersonate a brick wall, and he's kind of a dick, I still have to go for the B's, if only because I have friends who support them. And because it means hilarious drunk texts from my friend who is a huuuuuge B's fan. (Anyone else notice that Thomas has no eyebrows but a huge mustache? Scary.)
And there you have it.
For those who don't know, Facebook is basically how my extended family stays in touch. It's how I know that my adorable "baby" cousin, Kezia, is now legally old enough to drink (shudder), how my outrageously intelligent cousin Will is doing in his first year of law school, and how my parents' dog, Henry, spends his spare time (answer: looking adorable).
But aside from keeping up with my family, I only use Facebook for 2 other things:
(1) seeing what George Takei posts, because let's all be honest, 100% of his pictures are hilarious and the man could not be any more perfect.
See what I mean? Look at him.
(2) talking about hockey.
Needless to say, I immediately commented on my sister's link to my blog. Several times. As a somewhat novice hockey fan, I felt qualified to provide her with all of the information that she needed as a beginner Canucks fan, in sort of a "blind leading the blind" sort of way.
In order, I:
1) Mocked Luongo for being a useless POS
See what I mean? Look at him.
(2) Promised to update my blog more often
(3) Thanked her for the shout-out
(4) Told her that all she needs to know about the Canucks is that Ryan Kesler is a hottie
See what I mean? Look at him. The American judge gives him a 10 our of 10 on his diving abilities.
(5) Explained that the only man more attractive than Kesler is Lundqvist
See what I mean? Look at him.
(6) Linked to a blog with photoshops of the famous naked Kesler picture (I can't post those here, but see what I mean? Look at him.)
(7) Linked to a picture of Lundqvist looking dreamy (as if any picture of him would not be dreamy).
As Emma Stone would say, "What are you, photoshopped?"
(8) Linked to a video of the Green Men
(9) Linked to The Royal Half's hilarious write-up of the last Canucks game (Do you need any pictures of Chris Higgin's abs? Because if so, TRH and One Girl, One Puck have you covered. Thank God.)
(10) Instructed her to search for video of the woman flashing the penalty box during last year's Round 2 (Can't post that here, but google it. See what I mean? Look at them.)
(11) Instructed her to find the video of the Sedin twins pretending to be strippers.
Swedish twins? I thought that was just a myth.
And now I consider my job to be done. There is nothing else that a beginner Canucks fan needs to know.
Wait. There is.
(1) Don't buy a Luongo jersey. And if you do, for god's sake, cut the tags off before you go outside wearing it.
(2) Don't riot. And if you do, don't post pictures of yourself rioting on Twitter or Facebook.
(3) You team is full of goalie-interfering, diving, whining, immature, dirty, cheating crybabies who WILL GO DOWN IN ROUND 1. (I hope.)
GO KINGS GO!!! GO KINGS GO!!! GO KINGS GO!!!
Game 2, tonight. SEE YOU THERE.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Thank you. You made my night last night.
I'm actually really surprised by the number of Sharks fans who seem to be rooting for the Kings this round. I'm sure it has everything to do with last year's playoffs, and it may be that their absolute hatred of the Canucks overwhelms their dislike for the Kings. I came home last night to many messages of congratulations from the Sharks fans in my life, and I really do appreciate it.
Tonight is your night, Sharks. Go bring home a win!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Teams that I really, really, really do not want to win:
Edmonton: Still have not forgiven them for trying to fuck us on the Smyth trade. Note: They are now out of the playoffs. I bet Smyth is crying like a little bitch right now. #StockholmSyndrome
Boston: They won last year. Can't go two years in a row; it's just not fair. Also, Boston fans will become completely insufferable.
Winnipeg: Double ugh. I hate how they pick one player from the visiting team and boo every time that player touches the puck. It gets real old, real fast. Note: Also now out of the playoffs. Boooo. Boooo. See how annoying that gets?
Vancouver: Triple Ugh. I hate them so much. The Sedins make me want to vomit. (Although, I did pop a lady boner when Lewis and Kesler almost fought during the last LAK @ VAN game. So. Hot. Jerseys off next time, please!) Also, the Van fans are overly sensitive about the Sedins being called "sisters." GET. OVER. IT.
Teams that I would be fine if they won, I guess:
Sharks: My hometown team, beloved by many of those who I love. The memory of last year's playoffs still makes me quietly wretch, but...if we can't have it, I hope they can.
Rangers: Lundqvist is, quite possibly, the hottest man I've ever seen. And I have a thing for goalies. But honestly I really liked them after watching 24/7 this year. I both hate and love Sean Avery, but I guess he's not even playing for them anymore.
Pens: I like Crosby. I can't help it.
Phoenix: I just want to see Bissonnette lift the Cup. I love that guy. He's basically a 5th liner now, but I don't care. BizNasty2.0 forever! This is a GREAT article- http://www.azcentral.com/sports/articles/2012/03/15/20120315phoenix-coyotes-paul-bissonnettes-world-changing.html.
I'm torn on:
Flyers: I don't want the Kings West to win because I don't want Richards and Carter to go spiraling into a deep depression. But I do quite like them. And I want Bryz to come back strong. I love that guy.
Detroit: I should like them because it's Ollie's team, but I will have a tough time because they have SO MANY CUPS.
And there you have it. GO KINGS GO!
Last August I wrote about one of my favorite books from childhood, People by Peter Spier. The book beautifully sets forth why embracing diversity (of appearance, beliefs, practices, and personalities) is so vital to the human experience. The last page of the book says something like "the only thing that we all have in common is that, in the end, we all must die."
So usually when I hear people say "it's the journey, not the destination," I think of this page of People- this recognition of our final destination, so basic that it is set forth in a book for children. And I think about the fact that in the end, we all must die, and what really matters is what we do between now and then...the journey.
But sometimes, dear readers, it's not the journey- IT'S THE DESTINATION. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how you get there, you just need to get there.
Who would have thought that a few short weeks ago with the Kings hovering just outside the playoffs that we'd be sitting pretty (albeit possibly temporarily) atop the Pacific Division? Not me. I'll be the first to admit that I was not optimistic that we would reach this destination, which hopefully is merely a waypoint on the longer path to the STANLEY FUCKING CUP...or, at least an impressive non-first-round elimination.
When I finally get to don my "Stanley Cup Champions" jersey, t-shirt, and underpants (yes- if the Kings win, I will buy those stupid Kings underpants- but I'll wear them ironically), I won't be focused on the arduous, painful, sometimes embarrassing, occasionally infuriating journey that got us to that destination. I won't be thinking about the vision of Kopitar from last season that is permanently etched in my mind, rolling around on the ice in pain, clutching his ankle in agony and screaming his head off while I watched our playoff hopes for 2011 vanish while Kings fans everywhere sobbed "this should have been our year" into their jerseys. I won't care that some of our acquisitions were largely overpaid and useless (Penner) or quickly injured (Gagne, Carter). I won't worry about whether Mike Richards still has cobwebs in his brain, or whether Drew Doughty is worth the gagillion dollars that we're paying him to leave half the ice undefended in the d-zone. I won't be wincing over our turnovers (Doughty again), failed hip checks (dammit, Doughty) or our forwards who suffered lengthy and puzzlingly ineffective periods (Stoll, Richardson, Richards, Brown, Clifford...I could go on). I won't be focused on the fact that our offense was cryably, laughably, nauseatingly, pants-shittingly AWFUL for most of the season.
I also won't be thinking of the moments of brilliance- the saucer passes from Kopitar to Brown, the reliability of Quick in net (especially during shoot-outs), the way that Bernier stepped up for most of his games and looked damned good doing it, the way that we shut-out much better teams with scores of 3-0 and 5-0.
No. Instead every nerve ending in my eyes- in my entire body- will be focused on that Stanley Cup. Because nothing that happened before that moment- when Dustin Brown hoists that over his head- will matter. None of the infuriating parts of this season will matter.
It weighs 35 pounds, boys. Let's go and get it.